The greatest player in Yankees history hit his 3000th hit today. The good Yankee Captain, as he is called worldwide (even by those who are otherwise oblivious to baseball) because the first player ever to use nothing but willpower and intangibles to guide the ball over the fence for the milestone (the other player to hit a home run for his 3000th hit, Wade Boggs, used some combination of shoe polish and eastern mysticism). Ray’s pitcher David Price wept openly, and joyfully ran to give the heroic shortstop a hug, thanking Jeter for allowing him to be used for his higher purpose.
Commissioner Selig decreed July 9th to be “Jeter Day” for ‘as long as baseball is played, both on earth and into the stars above’. “Today, he truly has made the intangible ‘tangible’” he said in a pre-recorded speech to the President and his Cabinet. In less well-received news, the commissioner’s office has decided to continue playing the rest of the games on today’s schedule, in blatant disrespect to the All-Star Shortstop’s acomplishment. Certainly, there will be a 30 minute mandatory silence period between each inning to reflect on what this moment in history means, but there are many who believe that the rest of the month’s schedule should be nullified in favor of the planned month-long Jeterbration to be held nationwide, beginning Sunday.
You are all encouraged to immediately begin making your pilgrimage to New York to pay homage.
For those who prefer to watch Brian Duensing take on Mark Buehrle in today’s meaningless contest between two flyover teams, do so knowing that you spit in the face of history.