2012 Twins Game Log

2012 Game Number 2: Minnesota Twins at Baltimore Orioles

224 Comments

New season, same result - 'meh' pitching, and 'too little, too late'  hitting.

I think Sean had it right last game log when he says that the front office knows what they've got, and they know that it's not happening this season. Fair enough, but I'm impatient - I want a World Series this year. Therefore, I've put together a little cheat sheet for how this team can be turned into a contender. If someone with connections could route this to the powers that be, I'd appreciate it.

Pitching

Obviously, the big problem is going to be pitching, so they must obviously trade for some strong starters, and some strong relievers. I've taken the liberty of drawing up some proposals.

  • DFA Jeff Gray (He's letting opposing batters reach at a ridiculous .667 clip. Thanks, but no thanks, Jeff.)
  • DFA Matt Capps (obviously)
  • Trade Brian Duensing for Roy Halladay (He's got an unsustainable rate of 27.0 k/9 going, so trade him while he's hot)
  • Arrange for Kyle Gibson to be fitted with a robotic arm (This whole recovery process is taking too long - time to speed things up a bit.)
  • Have some crazy, back-alley doctor remove all of Scott Baker's arm tendons (He can't strain them if they're not there, can he. Ivan'll put some rubber bands in there, or something.)
  • "Forget" Jason Marquis at the airport the next time he accompanies them on a road trip (This is a two part plan which may involve pretending that Target Field is closed for the season when he inevitably gets a taxi ride back.)
  • Once it gets to the later months, forbid anyone from telling Nick Blackburn that it's not May anymore.

Batting

As we saw yesterday, hitting is going to be this team's biggest obstacle (except for pitching, because Lord, do those pitchers suck). Here's a few quick ways to change that.

  • Trade Alexi Casilla for a large potted plant (the plant can trip runners as they round second, and will likely provide a bit more hitting power)
  • Put Joe Mauer into a time machine, and tell him to retrieve 2009 Joe Mauer (It'll be sad to see 2011 Joe Mauer go, but we liked the other one better, anyway. Besides, this is the kind of sacrifice a leader has to make sometimes. Cuddy would go back in time to get 2009 Joe Mauer, and he'd probably bring back 2010 Justin Morneau while he was at it.)
  • Create an unholy Frankenstein mishmash of Ben Revere's legs and Denard Span's arm. (Den Spavere will be the greatest outfielder ever, while Bard Revan can be safely DFA'd)
  • Trade Chris Parmelee for Albert Pujols (The only worry here is that the Angels may not believe that Parmelee is as good as Dick Bremer says he is. In this case, we include Carl Pavano in the deal. Who says no?)

Until my brilliant ideas are brought to the front office, we're stuck with what we've got. What we've got today is..

F. Liriano (0-0, a disappointing 0 k/9, and a awe-inspiring, but probably unsustainable 0.00 ERA)
T. Hunter (0-0, 3.20 FIP, 0 ERA)

Normally, I'd say that the Twins are totally screwed, but come on... this is Tommy Hunter we're talking about.ZiPs has him projected for something like a 5.00 ERA. Even the Twins should be able to get some runs off this guy, right?

224 thoughts on “2012 Game Number 2: Minnesota Twins at Baltimore Orioles”

  1. At Surly building now for a tour. They give you five tokens for free beer. At this point, I'm happy and there's still the tour left.

  2. Nice write-up and a wonderful plan to improve the team, nibbish. Unfortunately, even if the Twins did all this, Bard Revan would be the starting centerfielder and our large potted plant would probably pull a hammy running out a grounder.

  3. Jeter's still on the MLB on Fox commercial, eh? Like he's still relevant?

    Seriously, I see him along with all those guys who are good at baseball and I almost feel bad for him.

  4. The Orioles feed says that Baltimore is trying to build on an exciting win from last night.

    Meh...I know they're selling the game, but yesterday's game was pretty unexciting, win or lose.

  8. Ha! The best comparison Bert comes up with for Hunter is Rick Helling. Someone can now find his stats and make me look by a fool by suggesting he is a good pitcher.

    1. Yes, this crap is meaningless, but Helling's top 10 "most similar" pitchers on B-R:

      Vicente Padilla (957)
      Steve Avery (954)
      Gil Meche (953)
      Cal Eldred (953)
      Ramon Ortiz (949)
      Brett Myers (947)
      Bobby Jones (943)
      Mark Gardner (942)
      Matt Clement (942)
      Erik Hanson (942)

  10. I love the idea of building a fake vacant Target Field and dropping off the Twins less desirable Twins there.

    1. The ridiculous cost would be worth the looks on their faces.

      If we still had Gomez, he'd die of starvation there, because he'd never catch on.

  11. I am pretty excited for Liriano. It is an even numbered year. I think that means he will be good, right? He is like the bizzaro Saberhagen.

  12. I see this is the free game of the day, but I have to leave for dinner in 3 minutes that will definitely out-last the game. Someday I'll see the Hometown 9!

  22. Willingham really knocked the crap out of that one.

    This is where Willie Mays Hayes says he intends to turn this in to at least a double.

  24. Parmelee is a heads up baserunner. I think I am going to like this dude.

    2. I heard on one of the preseason broadcasts that in the offseason Parmalee did a lot of running. But not windsprints, he ran bases, and ran bases in situations that comes up in games (first to 3rd, 2nd to home, etc)

  30. I mean, it does't matter since it was a dinger, but the path Revere took to the wall was, well, odd.

      1. nah, I think he intentionally took a sideways route so that he could take a good jump at the wall. He was there to make the play if he could have

        2. I see your point but I wouldn't say that he looks comfortable in right yet. He made up for it with his speed, sure. But it was still an odd looking route.

  39. Nick Johnson, Jamey Carroll, and Carl Pavano all played for Montreal at one time in their career.

      1. I had "Consensual Dork" in mind, but the Milkmaid and I are celebrating, so I can't think as clearly as I'd like. Yours makes a lot more sense.

        1. You can type while you're doing that? The milkmaid is a very understanding woman.

      1. No, but he had plenty of time to get back to the bag after Carroll grabbed it. Carroll pumped to first then looked over at third and Valncia was still dinking around away from the bag.

  62. *grumble* These two games are tempering my early season optimism some. (a lot.)

      1. He already stopped wearing the number I wore in middle school (as a third baseman) so it won't take much for me to turn on him completely.

  68. Small sample size and all, but the first 13 innings this year are awfully similar to what I remember from last year.

  76. Oh FFS, this inning snowballed after the 3B lolligagged a ball he could have had, got worse after the LF had another error, and then had a bloop shot find an open area.

    Don't change, ever, DicknBert.

        2. Of course, this reveals my level of dedication. Pesach is an 8-day ordeal for the devout. Me, I'm drinking beer tonight.

  84. The season is 13 innings old and we are now being subjected to the Alex Burnett is going to be an effective reliever meme.

  87. This season already has a real Major League feel to it. But like a Major League prequel before they started winning.

      1. I have some Dortmunder Gold, but I think I'll save it for when the Twins might actually win.

  89. Wife is hassling' me about watching the game. My ability to be subjected to that with this kind of game going on is pretty low.

    1. I already switched to the Wolves game, and my wife didn't even have to hassle me.

  90. I know it is a little early in the year to be drinking this but I saw it at the store and couldn't pass it up. What is everyone else having tonight?

    1. fits with passover, at least...

      my local costco had an 18 pack sampler of fuller's for $15. yyyyyyup.

    2. Summit Pale Ale, which is what I drink about 95 percent of the time at home.

    5. I'm drinking this in between home brews. It recently came back and is much more hop forward than it used to be.

      1. Agreed. You should not seek out any alternate means of watching that one either. Good basketball it is not.

        1. SCB has convinced himself he is good at basketbal again because he has made some shots.

    1. Ken's wife, by the sounds of it, needs an international lover.

    2. I thought it was cool that @Dadboner also doesn't listen to the sports announcers but rocks out instead. I don't know about Whitesnake but at least he's got the right idea.

      1. Plus, he looks to have driven Ken's M-I-L away with his Timehouse mag, so that's like a public service!

  95. Orioles announcers lamenting the fact that they missed Blyleven's birthday yesterday. I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN'S BIRTHDAY

  96. If anyone is into College Hockey Ferris State is dominating BC, but BC leads 2-1. 3rd period just started, BC on Power Play

  100. Once Baltimore starts playing major-league teams, I bet they don't look quite as good as they do right now.

  105. Revere's chase on the third home run was better than the first but not as good as the second.

  106. I gotta lay off the Summits, I thought I just saw Casilla hit it past the dirt.

  117. Did you know the Cubs won the World Series? A little red bird told me while I was at a beach party. Or was it at the zoo?

  118. Well, it only took two games for the Twins to be back all alone in last place. The good news is they only have one game left with a difficult team like the O's before they get to play the easy ones, like the Angels, Yankees and Red Sox. I'm guessing 0-162 is unlikely.

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