Category Archives: MLB

Bilateral Cerebral Incontinence Strikes Hack

The disease, once thought to affect only politicians and political journalists, is both physically debilitating and detrimental to any career with public contact. That's what doctors told Jim Souhan earlier this summer. Longtime readers alerted the Star Tribune medical staff that something in Souhan's delivery was off, and that the paper's resident enforcer appeared to be struggling more than usual to support his warrants and make credible arguments.

Extensive examination revealed that Souhan appears to have contracted bilateral cerebral incontinence (BCI), a mental affliction for which there is no known cure. Star Tribune doctors immediately ordered testing of the paper's entire pool of reporters, discovering an undisclosed number of infected journalists. A source close to the organization has indicated the other reporters cover politics for the paper, suggesting a possible chain of transmission from politicians to Souhan.

Little is known about the specific damage caused by bilateral cerebral incontinence. In fact, I spoke with several trainers from other news organizations, and they indicated to me that they've never heard of such a thing. One, on the condition of anonymity, said it sounded like a PR-driven diagnosis with no credible medical basis, indicating simply that "the goon is completely full of shit, right up past his eyeballs."

In an effort to establish, once and for all, whether BCI was a legitimate malady, I spoke with specialists at the Thomas H. Moodie Institute in Bismark. The opinion was unanimous: not only does bilateral cerebral incontinence exist, but (in their opinion) Jim Souhan has a classic case. The increasingly irrational and unsubstantiated attacks in his columns indicate full-blown BCI. Souhan, say the specialists, simply can't help himself. The volume of twaddle in his system has compromised his ability to think clearly, conduct even a minimum of actual research, or distinguish fact from feverishly-held personal views. The most visible symptom of BCI is evacuation of built-up septic mental effluent into columns and blog posts, which Souhan has exhibited at an excessive and increasing rate this summer. The Moodie Institute specialists concur that transmission from politicians, the usual carriers of the disease, to Souhan likely occured via his colleagues at the political desk.

As BCI is untreatable with any known medicine, little can be done for Souhan. Not wanting to be painted as a malingerer, Souhan has informed the Star Tribune's management that he intends to continue writing regularly as long as he doesn't harm the paper's circulation or oft-rumored negotiations with Kimberly-Clark Corporation.

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I won't link to the various columns Souhan has written in the "Mauer is soft" vein, nor do I think it necessary to mention each besotted reference to Cuddyer (or Hunter), or to even point out how gobsmackingly stupid his post on Kevin Slowey was last night. All that we know. The question I'm more interested in is why this inanity is allowed to continue.

Souhan's attacks on Mauer are damaging the Twins in several ways. They are corrosive to Mauer's relationship with Twins fans. This affects everything from Mauer jersey sales and Mauer posters to the atmosphere at that shiny new ballpark. These things eat into the bottom line and hamstring the Twins' ability to capitalize on the popularity of their marquee player.

Moverover, it hurts Mauer's relationship with the club if every time he's savaged in the press the only noise coming from the Twins' front office is the chirping of crickets. The Twins willingly signed Mauer to a contract which pays him $23 million per season until 2018. If they actually think Mauer is as soft as Souhan frequently implies, they should have made their offer low enough to ensure they collected compensation picks when Mauer signed with a team in the Eastern time zone.

Worse still, the club's complicity or apparent unwillingness to defend its star player and hometown boy significantly harms the club's free agent drawing power. What free agent with enough talent to entertain multiple offers is going to simply shrug off his agent telling him that the club in Minnesota allows its homegrown star to be pilloried by the press on every possible occasion? Sure, there's plenty of new ballpark money to spend, but any agent worth his commission is going to demand some additional consideration for placing his client into such a FUBAR situation.

If Souhan's expressing the views of the Twins' management, the whole bunch needs to be sacked. If he's trying to gin up controversy (read: circulation) and provoke people on the club, whether that's Joe Mauer, Gardy, Dave St. Peter, Bill Smith, Jim Pohlad, or someone else, he wins whether or not the club addresses his unfounded claims. The front office has to go on the record at some point, simply to protect its significant investment in Joe Mauer and preserve its ability to lure quality free agents to Minnesota.

Game 139: Twins at Angels

Draft Day alert!! Don't forget the WGOM football draft is at 7 p.m. CDT today. Oh, also there's a baseball game today.

Slowey vs. Piniero

If Kevin Slowey ever wanted to get out of Gardy's doghouse, this would be his best opportunity. The Twins' bullpen was overworked yesterday when Duensing left due to an injury and the Twins have a doubleheader on Monday and are unsure of who will start in Tuesday's game, so the pitching staff is a mess right now. A complete game from Slowey would make him a hero. Eight innings would leave his manager pleased. Seven innings is almost required.

The Twins have scored19 runs in this series, which just about matched their run total from August. The last time the Twins face Piniero in this ballpark, it resulted in an 11-4 win. A win today would even the season series with the Angels, which would be ... something. GO TWINS!!!

Game 138, Injury 139: Angels 10, Twins 6

Ho-hum. Another day, another injury.

This game went far too long, so I'll keep it short.

It's truly amazing how much injury this team has gone through. And then it seems like all the injuries seem to pile up in one part of the team. The Twins trade Delmon Young because they have too many outfielders, but suddenly Joe Mauer has to play right field. In the first part of the season, the rotation was the one part of the team that wasn't hurt much by injury, just ineffectiveness. Now the Twins have three members of the rotation on the DL and Duensing is probably headed there as well. What would a Yankee fan say if he was told that Carl Pavano was the only member of the rotation to stay healthy?

And finally, is it me or does every former Twin have like a 1.500 OPS against the Twins this year?

2011 Game 137 Recap: Gemini 13, Cherubim 5

Weather: 74 degrees, clear
Wind: 3 mph, out to CF
Time: 3:23
Attendance: 37,198

BOX SCORE
FANGRAPHS

The dog days of summer were not good to the Twins this year. The team posted its worst monthly record ever in August, winning just seven games while losing 21. If Target Field weren't such a lovely place, and if Minnesotans weren't so gosh darn polite, you'd probably see a lot of empty seats in the stands for home games after a month like that. For my own part, I knew going into the season that August would be a lost month for me as far as watching baseball goes. Major product launch at work, family road trip vacation, getting ready to send Elder daughter to college. I just figured back in April that August would be a lost cause. I was more right than I could have known.

But those hot August nights are behind us now, and the Twins/Red Wings want to finish the season strong. At this point, that basically means staying out of last place in the worst division in baseball. For a team that's never been in first place this year, or even above .500 this year, even that may prove to be a tall order.

So what can you say about a meaningless road win in September? Well, you can say its better than a meaningless road loss in September. You can say Carl Pavano pitched an okay game, giving up four runs, just three of them earned, in six and three-quarters innings. You can say the Twins were facing a rookie pitcher who struggled with his control, and that the Angels bullpen resembled nothing more than the Twins bullpen, allowing seven runs in five innings. And you can say that it was the Twins, not the Angels, who played like they were only a few games out of first place going into the home stretch of the season.

You could probably say a lot more if you actually watched the whole game instead of just the last couple of innings.

September Callups

Since this is a lost season, it means the expanded rosters in September take on new meaning. The Twins haven't called up many players in recent years, but they haven't had many lost seasons in recent years either. Calling up players would serve two purposes: get (some) people interested again and allow the Twins to evaluate players at the major league level.

The Twins have one spot free on the 40-man roster, hence the catch-all "other" choice. Some brief info on the four minor leaguers that haven't played for the Twins yet is below the poll.

Who will the Twins call up?

  • Chuck James (17%, 20 Votes)
  • Matt Tolbert (16%, 19 Votes)
  • Jim Hoey (14%, 17 Votes)
  • Joe Benson (12%, 15 Votes)
  • Jeff Manship (12%, 14 Votes)
  • Chris Parmelee (9%, 11 Votes)
  • Anthony Slama (7%, 9 Votes)
  • Someone else (6%, 7 Votes)
  • Deolis Guerra (5%, 6 Votes)
  • David Bromberg (2%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 30

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Continue reading September Callups

Game 133: Tigers at Twins

Brad Penny vs. Brian Duensing

Brad Penny is not a good pitcher. His 3.6 K/9 is worse than Pavano's and is a full 1 K/9 worse than Blackburn's. And he's walking more per 9 than Duensing, so he doesn't have good control to offset a low K rate either.

However, Duensing has been awful of late and the Tigers pretty much feast on lefties.

The Twins need this one to avoid losing 10 games on a homestand. Wow, that's bad. Let's get it done. GO TWINS!!!

Game 132: Tigers 6, Twins 4

FOX spared me the pain of watching this one, so I don't have much insight on this game, but at least the annoying streak of pitiful offense is over finally. The Twins had gone 61 straight innings without scoring more than one run. And all it took to end the streak was the Twins getting back-to-back home runs by Luke Hughes and Jason Repko off Justin Verlander at Target Field.

The Twins are now 5-19 in August, their second 19-loss month in this season that will seemingly never end. The Twins haven't had lost 20 games in a month since September 1999 when they went 7-21.  However, the Twins' record for most losses in a month is safe, at least for August,  since the Twins only have four games left. However, they will have to go 2-2 to avoid having their worst month since the Twins went 3-26 in May 1981. Wow, that would kill any hopes for a season real fast.

The Twins are 14-29 since the AS break. Surprisingly, they have outperformed their Pythag by five games on the season.. They are 23-23 in one-run games and 5-4 in extra-inning games.

 

2011 Game 131 Recap: Tigers 8, Twins 1

Box Score
Fangraphs

Weather: 86 degrees, clear
Wind: 12 mph, out to RF
Time: 2:55
Attendance: 38,918

I woke up with a head pounding like Niagara Falls and a mouth as dry as Death Valley. An empty bourbon bottle lay on its side on the table, another soldier that gave its last full measure. The dame was long gone, more than a month ago now. One night while we were having a few laughs she slipped me a mickey and took a powder, taking the mojo and my wallet with her. Yeah, she played me for a real sap, and I let her. The name's Twayn. I'm a shamus.

I thought I had her angle figured, see? It seemed clear that the dame was setting me up for a double cross. It was the smart move, after all. Hire me to find the mojo for her, then stick a shiv in my back and make tracks. There's no shortage of teams looking for some mojo this time of year, and they're willing to shell out a stack of semollians to get it. Some of them aren't above using a dame to get what they want. I was onto her from the start, but I let my guard down that night. Maybe it was the way her eyes shined in the moonlight, or the sob story she poured out along with the whiskey.

I've heard a lot of sob stories in my day. They mostly went along with the sound of a tinny piano playing in the parlor downstairs. "Mister, I met a man once when I was young," it always began. This one wasn't much different. So I let her set the hook and start reeling. I just didn't figure she'd make her move quite so fast. Now the mojo is gone for good, and things have been going south ever since she flew the coop. Bad pitching, bad hitting, bad defense -- it's pretty much been the perfect storm of horseshit baseball for the team. And to top if off, Jim Thome got shanghaied to Cleveland.

I still watch the games most nights. Call it my self-imposed penance for letting the mojo get away, and since the boys downtown pulled my license I don't have a lot to do these days. But it doesn't take a detective to see the signs of a team that's lost its mojo. A 5-18 record in August, the worst in the major leagues. Six losses in a row, and no more than a run scored in any of them. Hell, the boys haven't scored more than a run in 13 of their last 23 games. And for the first time in franchise history, they've lost six straight games at home.

I pull the covers back and drag my sad sack of bones out of the bed, run fingers through my hair and head for the shower. There's an afternoon game today, and I need to get to the liquor store before first pitch. Maybe I should just get a case this time. I have a hunch it's going to be a long September.

Game 128: O’s at Twins

Don't see a game log, so here you go. Randall Simon vs. Brian Duensing.

ORIOLES (48-77)

1. J.J. Hardy, SS
2. Nick Markakis, RF
3. Adam Jones, CF
4. Vladimir Guerrero, DH
5. Matt Wieters, C
6. Mark Reynolds, 1B
7. Robert Andino, 3B
8. Nolan Reimold, LF
9. Ryan Adams, 2B

Starting pitcher: RH Alfredo Simon (3-6, 4.68 ERA)

TWINS (55-72)

1. Ben Revere, CF
2. Trevor Plouffe, SS
3. Joe Mauer, 1B
4. Justin Morneau, DH
5. Michael Cuddyer, RF
6. Jason Kubel, LF
7. Danny Valencia, 3B
8. Luke Hughes, 2B
9. Drew Butera, C

Starting pitcher: LH Brian Duensing (8-12, 4.75 ERA)