2012 Game Number 2: Minnesota Twins at Baltimore Orioles

New season, same result - 'meh' pitching, and 'too little, too late'  hitting.

I think Sean had it right last game log when he says that the front office knows what they've got, and they know that it's not happening this season. Fair enough, but I'm impatient - I want a World Series this year. Therefore, I've put together a little cheat sheet for how this team can be turned into a contender. If someone with connections could route this to the powers that be, I'd appreciate it.

Pitching

Obviously, the big problem is going to be pitching, so they must obviously trade for some strong starters, and some strong relievers. I've taken the liberty of drawing up some proposals.

  • DFA Jeff Gray (He's letting opposing batters reach at a ridiculous .667 clip. Thanks, but no thanks, Jeff.)
  • DFA Matt Capps (obviously)
  • Trade Brian Duensing for Roy Halladay (He's got an unsustainable rate of 27.0 k/9 going, so trade him while he's hot)
  • Arrange for Kyle Gibson to be fitted with a robotic arm (This whole recovery process is taking too long - time to speed things up a bit.)
  • Have some crazy, back-alley doctor remove all of Scott Baker's arm tendons (He can't strain them if they're not there, can he. Ivan'll put some rubber bands in there, or something.)
  • "Forget" Jason Marquis at the airport the next time he accompanies them on a road trip (This is a two part plan which may involve pretending that Target Field is closed for the season when he inevitably gets a taxi ride back.)
  • Once it gets to the later months, forbid anyone from telling Nick Blackburn that it's not May anymore.

Batting

As we saw yesterday, hitting is going to be this team's biggest obstacle (except for pitching, because Lord, do those pitchers suck). Here's a few quick ways to change that.

  • Trade Alexi Casilla for a large potted plant (the plant can trip runners as they round second, and will likely provide a bit more hitting power)
  • Put Joe Mauer into a time machine, and tell him to retrieve 2009 Joe Mauer (It'll be sad to see 2011 Joe Mauer go, but we liked the other one better, anyway. Besides, this is the kind of sacrifice a leader has to make sometimes. Cuddy would go back in time to get 2009 Joe Mauer, and he'd probably bring back 2010 Justin Morneau while he was at it.)
  • Create an unholy Frankenstein mishmash of Ben Revere's legs and Denard Span's arm. (Den Spavere will be the greatest outfielder ever, while Bard Revan can be safely DFA'd)
  • Trade Chris Parmelee for Albert Pujols (The only worry here is that the Angels may not believe that Parmelee is as good as Dick Bremer says he is. In this case, we include Carl Pavano in the deal. Who says no?)

Until my brilliant ideas are brought to the front office, we're stuck with what we've got. What we've got today is..

F. Liriano (0-0, a disappointing 0 k/9, and a awe-inspiring, but probably unsustainable 0.00 ERA)
T. Hunter (0-0, 3.20 FIP, 0 ERA)

Normally, I'd say that the Twins are totally screwed, but come on... this is Tommy Hunter we're talking about.ZiPs has him projected for something like a 5.00 ERA. Even the Twins should be able to get some runs off this guy, right?

Game 1 Recap: O’s 4 – Twins 2

MINNESOTA 2 -- BALTIMORE 4
Lowest WPA - Pavano (7 IP, 4 R, 2 BB, 1 SO), Doumit (0 for 4), and Plouffe (0 for 1)
Highest WPA - Span (2 for 4)
Fangraphs - MLB Recap

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Ron Gardenhire turned to Rick Anderson and asked, "Is Duensing ready?" Anderson frowned and picked up the bullpen phone, speaking only a couple of words. After hanging up the phone, he returned to Gardenhire's side. "Ronald, he's ready, but I have to seriously question why we would use him in this situation."

"This is the perfect time to use him, late in the game, score's tied, Adam Jones is a dangerous hitter coming up."

Anderson blinked in confusion, "Tie game? Ronathan, it's not a tie game. And Adam Jones is right-handed, wouldn't you rather have Duensing come in to face Markakis for the lefty-lefty matchup?"

"Who?"

"Nick Markakis, the right-fielder."

"What are you talking about? Look, it's 0-0 in the eighth inning and I don't have time to do some ridiculous comedy routine with you and your made up ballplayers. We had a bad year last season, and I want to start this off right."

"Made up..? 0-0..? Wait, what do you think happened in the first inning?"

"We walked Hardy, then Pavano got a groundball or two and we got out of the inning. Pavano looked pretty good today, nice to see all those groundballs turning into outs isn't it? Just the one Hardy single on a groundball, but then he got Jones and Wieters and got out of it."

"Rontell, I think we need--"

"No time, got to make the pitching change now. Back in a second. And Rick? We don't need our bullpen walking people, talk to this Gray kid when he comes in, will you?"

Gardy made his way to the mound, and Scott Ullger made his way off the bench to join Anderson at the rail. "What was that about?"

"I think Ronwin has completely blocked Nick Markakis from his memory. He doesn't remember the 2-run homer in the first, or the RBI triple in the sixth, and I bet if we ask him, he won't remember Markakis' lead-off walk leading to a run in the fourth either. What are we going to do?"

"Send him home" Ullger said.

"I'm worried he wouldn't be safe there"

Ullger stared blankly, "Why would that matter?"

"Memory loss could be the sign of any number of serious problems. No, I think we should keep him here and try to keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't forget anyone else in this game."

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To this day Ron Gardenhire believes that Josh Willingham's ninth inning donger won the 2012 season opener for the Twins, Rick Anderson has never corrected him, he figured it was a long season, it's probably best not to get too caught up in one result.

2012 Game Number 1: Minnesota Twins at Baltimore Orioles

Day game alert!

Carl Pavano
vs
Jake Arrieta

I had some stuff written about the offseason, but it seems irrelevant now. It sucks going into a season knowing that finishing at .500 would be a success. I think the front office knows there are problems, but thinks there is no point throwing money at a few extra wins. And I am okay with that.

I recognize that about 28 of the teams actually need to have down years. It is very hard to maintain success over many years; you need everything to go right. However, now we get to play the waiting game. Will this be just a "retooling" or a rebuild?

Here's to everyone returning to form, a great draft, and Ryan swindling trading for undervalued assets. I love baseball, but not never-ending losing.

Remodeled basement. Same half-baked taste.