As a parent, I've made my share of mistakes. My most common mistake is the "over threaten." And it happens way too often. I have one particular example in mind.
My middle child (10 year old girl) had a friend over. Youngest child (6 year old boy) was bothering her and said friend. Things escalated and she crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed. The real problem started when she refused to apologize. (I really need to figure out how she can be so stubborn. Where could that possibly come from?) Whatever I was trying was not working. I finally said that if she didn't apologize, she was going to her room for the rest of the day. (I think it was around 3pm.) She still wouldn't apologize.
I was stuck. Not only was a I sending a kid to her room for 5 hours but it was the exact wrong punishment. This is the kid that heads upstairs to her bedroom while the rest of the family is on the main level of the house. This is the kid that I need to occasionally push to be a little more social. This is the kid that read the entire Harry Potter series in four months.
Not only that, but after she spent an hour or so up in her room, I had a talk with her. She was having some friend/confidence issues and that was the real reason for the lashing out at her brother.
I was faced with a dilemma. Do I stick to my original punishment and leave her in her room for the rest of the night, or do I admit that it was too harsh of a punishment and let her out early?
I ended up letting her out of her room for dinner and allowed her to stay out for the remainder of the evening. What she really needed was some time with her family. I know the best solution would be to not over threaten in the first place. I also know it is good to stick with punishments that have been levied. I just know once I've had a chance to really think things through I often come up with a much better solution. I don't think it makes sense to double down on my own mistake.
What do the fathers (and mother) have to say?
I have backtracked my punishments ("consequences" in our parlance) in the past.
Explained that I overreacted and that I am human and make mistakes as well.
That the punishment did not fit the crime or was more work for me to administer than it was for her to actually suffer.
I've only sent my kids to their rooms when I've needed to calm down, to separate my emotions and immediate and unconsidered reactions from actual judgement and listening. Then after a short cooling-off, there's a brief talk and a punishment decision.
Usually when there's a mess and crying toddlers.
Our punishments are typically chores or sentence-writing. Occasional corner-staring timeouts. Try to have the punishment fit the crime, make things right if possible. Until the punishments are fulfilled, privileges are withdrawn. Once they are completed, and apologies are given, they are back at full standing.
I also have no qualms about punishment-substitution. Like when I overassigned sentences to HPR, who was only 6 at the time. He just couldn't write that much. So there was bathroom-floor cleaning instead.
Especially when, if the punishment is not complete by the next day, my wife needs to take over administration.
Our threats for the older two are typically "If you [don't] do X, there will be consequences."
I do not do this with toddlers. They have clearer and simpler punishments. But that doesn't seem to be what you're asking.
I do not respond to whining or out-of-line pleading. Backtalk compounds the punishment, but we haven't had much of that except from the older toddler.
In your case, I assume that you sent the friend home immediately. That sounds like the primary impulse of "to your room for the rest of the day." So you got most of it.
It was basically the end of the playdate so it happened for me.
I used the Homer picture and forgot the reference to the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Half baked!
Try to have the punishment fit the crime
I was grounded twice growing up. One time I didn't wear my bike helmet, so I couldn't ride my bike for a week. The other time I wrote swear words all over a piece of paper, so I couldn't see my best friend for two days.
Most of the time I made mistakes, I didn't need to be grounded. I had privileges I desperately didn't want to give up (seeing friends, biking, video games) and I almost always got a warning. I knew my dad was serious, so the warning sufficed. I don't recall too many over-threats. Over-yelling and shaming, perhaps.
I think the thing that's most important is to be able to talk openly, frankly, and empathetically with your children. I was never angry at my parents for setting limits (annoyed perhaps, but that's natural). I got angry if I felt I was being yelled at unfairly (e.g. I did something on accident and they assumed it was on purpose) or if I didn't see their point of view. I hope when I need to punish the little troggle that I can avoid "Because I said so!" as an answer.
This is already a problem for me, with a 3 year-old. Usually we stick to time-outs and such, but sometimes it takes punishing just to get him to listen in the first place. I have no idea where he gets his absent-mindedness. Hey look at that shiny nickle! When he's not listening at all, that's when I over-threaten, since "you'll go on time out" doesn't even register with him, since, well, he's not listening. My wife is much better about getting down on his level and having that direct contact that forces him to listen. I'm trying to get better.
Toddler boy? All I could do that worked was grab him or physically turn his head to face me when I was talking. The stuff I talked about before only works with the older kids.
That makes me feel better. He's just so darn good at ignoring me.
I'm guessing that persists. We've worked (EAR mostly) with HPR on knowing what he has to do so he doesn't have to hear us to know his responsibilities. It's finally gelling at 7, especially once we got him in Cub Scouts. Not that anything he's done in Scouting has had anything to do with it, but the nobility and responsibility of the uniform.
Physical contact (hand on shoulder or head) to interrupt the daze sure seems to help a lot, too. Arms aren't always long enough though.
Your middle child sounds an awful lot like my youngest.
Keeping my temper with that child is a struggle because she is so obstinate (and bright) and because she seems so impervious to discipline. Like yours, she's perfectly happy spending hours and hours hidden away in her room. About the only punishment that gets her attention is taking away her laptop.
In her case, she continues to commit the same "sins" over and over again -- not cleaning up after herself, being late (esp. for morning carpool to school, a constant irritation), and having to be nagged to do her chores. This is about 50 percent her having her head in the clouds and 50 percent FU behavior when we remind her about her chores and responsibilities ("I'll show them for trying to hurry me up!"). No win situation, it seems. I'm pretty much resigned to waiting for her emotional maturity to catch up to her intellectual maturity.
I haven't had a difficult time with this yet, as Skim rarely does anything wrong, and Sour Cream isn't quite to the age where it's so bad that I've had to deal with it very much. My typical punishment for them is making them sit in the bathroom, where there's nothing fun to do. Both of them dislike it so much that they're better when they come out, and Skim...huh, I don't think I've sent her in there period for at least a few months. She has some bossiness issues on the playground, but nothing to be grounded for, as she's good at apologizing and seems to understand the problem, and to genuinely want to deal with it.
Sour Cream's behavior has only gotten better and better in the last couple of years, to the point where I just keep waiting for it to be a mirage. I know having a well-behaved older sister helps - she never did like it very much when she asked which kid behaved better and I answered truthfully. I don't know what kind of hell I'd be going through if Skim had been brutish and whiny, fanning the flames of Sour Cream's now-dissipating issues with listening.
having a well-behaved older sister helps
Yeah, it does. I've told my oldest at times that she's made our job easier by showing her siblings what good behavior looks like (her bad behavior is typically in secret: petty theft and vandalism of others' belongings), and by helping out.
Related: We stopped using the crying room at our church because it's a den of poorly-modeled toddler behavior. Constant demand for snacks (and constant parental acquiescence!*), running all over, toy banging, loud talking. By now there are probably kids playing Angry Birds on Mom's iPhone.
*I don't think you need two different snacks and a drink box for a one-hour church service.
This problem usually happens when I'm dealing with multiple kids at once. It is tough to console one while dealing with another. And it seems wrong to focus more on the guilty party than the innocent one.
punishment doesn't really hold any water at this age, but i worry for the future. my parents never really stuck with their punishments; a fact i knew and took full advantage of. for that reason, i really want to adhere to the "consequences" that get handed down when the time comes, but i can already predict trouble when it comes to appropriate sentencing.
There's a difference between not sticking with it and thoughtfully reconsidering.
I hope that by approaching the reconsidering with humility and openness, I'm not coming across as wishy-washy.
I do stick to the diminished consequences. My oldest is yet 9. Ask me in a few years if this all still works.
There’s a difference between not sticking with it and thoughtfully reconsidering.
yes, i can see this. i will definitely keep that in mind as, after working at a preschool, i noticed that i would make some of the same overreactions as you mentioned up in that first post.
This reminds me... I agreed to do one of these. Sometime. I don't recall when...
here's the current schedule:
upcoming author schedule
this is as good a place as any to mention that we're still looking for volunteers. lemme know if you wanna sign up.
I will take the July date. It falls right after my leap into my second half-century. I'll be pondering the universe at that point, no doubt.
done. looking forward to your bS.
I did one of these once and can jump back into the rotation.
all yours. pick a month.
I'll take October
sweetness.
Don't feel like officially signing up, but if nobody signs up for October-December and you want a pinch-hitter, hit me up a week before and ask!
I'd be happy to take November. I imagine I'll have plenty to ask about with two kids.
I imagine I’ll have plenty to ask about with two kids.
This is exactly what I'm afraid of. (For me, not for you!)
10-4, good buddy.
Good, thought-provoking stuff! I really like AMR’s approach to have an intermediate step of cooling off time for parent and child before determining the appropriate punishment/consequence. I also like acknowledging to a child when a parent makes a mistake—as a perfectionist, I would have done well to start learning much earlier that mistakes are a part of life for everyone.
The jalapeno does lots of boundary testing that seems to come with the territory of being 2 and a half. This has led me to think a lot about the importance of consistency and about the fact that if I’m going to make a threat, I need to be willing to follow through with it. If I need him to do something that he’s resisting, I try to give a choice (oh, the illusion of control!) such as walking to the car or having me carry him.
Punishments right now tend to be taking away an item if he’s not using it appropriately (i.e. using a fork to damage the dining room table) and withholding certain privileges for inappropriate behavior (i.e. he can’t go play after snack until he apologizes for dumping his milk on the floor and assisting with cleanup). But even now, it’s very hard in the heat of the moment to figure out what the appropriate response should be.
"the heat of the moment" is exactly it. This is the eternal challenge for a parent, or for anyone responsible for managing others, frankly.
EAR has done a ton of reading on different techniques and learning what's worked well with us and our kids and our temperaments and theirs. I've adapted a bit (haphazardly) and there are periods of time when I let things slide and when they've slid too much and I need to be closer to "zero tolerance". I will announce that, but it goes unheeded until they're spending the whole night on consequences.
I could be more even-keeled and not do the slack-then-overcorrect cycle, but that's what I am on everything in my life. I'm too busy overcorrecting in one area of my life that I have to let other facets slacken. And repeat.