A is for: (a little) arrogant
I didn’t know much about babies before the jalapeno was born in 2010, but I thought I knew—in general terms—how I’d approach being a parent. All I had to do was follow the example of my own parents.
Growing up, I always felt that my sister and I were at the center of our parents’ lives. They worked hard at their jobs during the day, but on evenings and weekends they were supremely attentive to our needs, our activities, etc. Not to say we got everything we wanted—they were plenty firm about setting limits—but they always seemed to be focused on us. I wouldn’t say they were at the level of helicopter parents, but they were definitely very involved. I suppose I must have known that they theoretically had lives of their own, but that fact barely registered. My mom’s hobbies included things like going to church meetings and sewing clothes for my sister and me. My parents occasionally got a babysitter and went to the theater or the SPCO, but it was rare. All in all, everyone seemed pretty happy with this arrangement.
B is for: (lack of) balance
Fast forward to after the jalapeno was born. I went back to work when he was three months old. My general routine became: work (at a job I liked, fortunately), spend time with the jalapeno, dinner, tend to whatever chores needed to be done, collapse into bed at 9:00, dreading how often the jalapeno might wake during the night. Over time, his sleep improved somewhat (hello, sleep training) and I started working in occasional trips to the gym. I went online and read message boards where moms talked about their babies. Sometimes I found the energy to catch up with a friend or two via email. Once in a while, we made plans to get together with friends (who also had small children) on the weekends. But I rarely left the house other than to go to work or the gym.
In retrospect, this seems ridiculous. How could this setup possibly be a good idea? But I’m by nature an overachiever. I was trying to do everything “right” for my kid, but in doing so I was failing myself.
C is for: changes
Fast forward again to the present day. The jalapeno is 4 years old and the pepperoncino is 15 months. I’m still working full time (and fortunately still like my job). Life is chaotic, to say the least. In theory, I have less free time than ever, but I’m doing things differently now. Having gone through all the infant and toddler stuff once before, I know that many of the hard things are only temporary. I stay away from online discussions where moms compare and compete about what their children are doing and everyone knows what’s best for all babies everywhere. I’m also making time to do things that have nothing to do with my job or my children.
Get a last-minute chance to go to a Twins game on a beautiful day? Do it. Hear about a bizarre online game run by some guy who goes by a moniker that has to do with scary dairy products? Do it. Have a friend who wants to check out a new restaurant (sans kids)? Do it.
There are by no means enough hours in the day to do everything I’d like—for my job, for my kids, or for myself. But now that I’m no longer trying to be something that was making me miserable, I’m a lot better off, and I daresay my kids are better off as well.
Image credit: (cc) Michael Verhoef
somebody on the Bookface recently posted a story about top regrets of (Australians, I think, not that it really matters) people in hospice care. A lot of those regrets involved not taking enough time away from work.
thanks, Pep.
Good stuff here; I wholeheartedly agree with your message. Generally. I've thought that this focus on children to the detriment of things like career and friends and personal interests is more of a mother's experience than a father's. Or perhaps it's just a more recent parenting phenomenon, regardless of gender. Either way, I feel it's good for all involved to have some "me" time to maintain perspective.
I also thought of a parallel. One of the things that professors and mentors kept saying to my law school class was to remember to take time for yourself and your relationships. Lots of people who go to law school are overachievers. Everything is a competition and they want to win that competition. Many of them dedicate an insane amount of time working at being successful in law school (and later in their practice), and let the healthy habits and family connections wither on the vine. This was not me but it could have been if I hadn't been diligent.
As I was writing, I was wondering how much it's a "mother thing" to feel like you're supposed to focus on kids to the exclusion of yourself. I have a friend who despises when women on Facebook replace their profile photo of themselves with one that shows only their kid/kids. She feels like it's a suggestion of the kids subsuming the mother's identity.
That's... kind of a really weird stance to take. Of course, I say this as someone who's photo is of his two kids.
I dunno. The fact that you've used the contraction instead of "whose" suggests there might be something to the kids taking over the identity.
Ah hell, I don't usually make that mistake.
I don't visit much, but many (most?) of my BookFace updates have to do with Kernel and, eventually, Niblet. Only the children as profile pictures annoys me almost as much as a profile photo of a pet...unless you're just interested in anonymity (which is also weird because you're putting yourself on the internet).
However, I think that the "mothers should focus on children at the expense of self" is also an indication of what our society still believes about gender roles.
Only the children as profile pictures annoys me almost as much as a profile photo of a pet
What about pictures of remarkably speedy land animals? Asking for a friend.
Or landscapes?
or Bootsyified folk art?
Cheetahs and Bison are not pets...neither is bootsyfied folk art.
I have my kids as my profile pic partly to combat that. But it's artistic, or at least abstract.
I remember reading something years ago and for some reason I decided that not only moms would do it.
I've started getting in with fb birder groups and a lot of them have birds as their profile.
I guess it's whatever you focus on.
What does that say about hungry joe?
what does anyone say about hj?
Heh, I've been trying to figure that out for years, and I still don't know.
I think of a counter issue under balance: where women quit their job and then run into the problem of spending all their time with (their) kids and not getting much/any adult interaction in their day.
My wife stayed home with our kids for the last ten years, and just got back into working last year (at a school, but still). It was definitely important for her to get away from the kids and do things with adults several times a week, just to decompress a bit.
My wife stayed at home for a short while with the kids then went (back) into the workforce...as a preschool teacher. She gets away from teenage angst at home by dealing with 3s and 4s at work.
Yes, that. So I'm at home most nights. She goes out doing different things 2-3 times a week.
It's been true for years.
Rather than going out to watch games with others, I went online. Found y'all.
This. Philosofette is in grad school right now, and has a part time job, and will be a teacher before too long. She feels sad she's not with the kids more, but I remember how it was before, when she was with them all the time. That wasn't balance either.
By coincidence, I just came across this interview with Washington Post reporter Brigid Schulte.
She says: