Now that the Valet is eleven months old, he's pretty comfortable with his daily routine. He wakes, eats, poops, and naps on a consistent schedule for the most part. Thankfully, this gives us a decent amount of flexibility for our days because we know what times are "locked in" for him.
Anyway, last weekend I had the opportunity to be a single parent. I stuck to the schedule for the big activities (which meant I watched a lot of EPL because that was prime time for playing with toys in the living room) and they all went smoothly. Except sleep. He would not fall asleep.
On Saturday, he fought his morning nap for four hours (despite clear signals of needing sleep) before finally crashing and taking a much longer than usual nap. Then, at bedtime, he was extraordinarily sleepy but fought out for an hour despite books, rocking, bouncing, and lullabies (mainly 90s alternative music). On Sunday, he took just a twenty minute nap the entire day.
Sleepiness was clearly not the issue. Instead, it seemed that in his zombie stage, he finally would notice that mom hadn't been around and that would set him off. Strange, because I put him to sleep at least half the time when we're both around.
I have no idea what, if anything, I could have tried differently. Oh well, everyone survived and the house didn't burn down on my watch.
In the words of one of my favorite coworkers: "Babies are jerks."
Oh well, everyone survived and the house didn't burn down on my watch.
If I'm ever a father, I think my ceiling will either be one or the other. Shooting for both seems a bit of an ask.
My first solo flight was a nonstop "not the momma" event. The Mrs. went shopping or some such for a couple of hours. The Boy started screaming as she walked out the door. And. Did. Not. Stop. Until. The. End. Of. Time.
No clock moves slower than the clock when your kid is screaming.
Werd to that, mine was similar. I think the trinket was around 4 months old, or so, the first time. She also had reflux, which made it so much worse.
Oh, yea, reflux. The boy practically slept upright for several months.
My now 7-year-old would not take a bottle. She's still this stubborn now. My wife worked a 15-hour shift, and my daughter would not take a bottle for anything. Very frustrating.
I got nuthin' for ya. My two least favorite times of each day are dinner and bed time. Both are, like 75% of the time, fights with too much yelling and frustration with the trinket. My son, who's 2, is generally pretty easy, though, so that makes it not quiiiite as bad as it could be.
But man, 4-year-olds..... I desperately hope 4K, which starts on the 1st, helps get some more of that energy out during the day to make the experience easier.
Mine fights naps, but is pretty good with just about anyone holding him.
Also, he's only two months old, and I'm expecting the ceiling to come crashing down any minute now.
I missed my FKB. I have something to write for mine, but I'll wait a couple of weeks to post it.
Tell me about. My FKB was due in June.
Niblet, coming up on 11 months, will only take 20-30 minute naps during the week (at daycare), once in the morning and again, sometimes, in the afternoon. He gets cranky at the dinner table and just wants to be held. Actually, he just wants to sit on your lap and grab your food, utensils, napkins and glass. He's usually ready for bed at 6:30 and will literally push away his last bottle and stretch for his crib when he's ready to sleep. Put him down, give him a pacifier and walk away. On the weekends, he'll take 2.5 hour naps, but will still be ready for bed at a quarter-to-seven. He does wake up hungry most mornings at 4 a.m., but that's slowly shifting towards 5.
Kernel, four next week, still takes hour naps most days, but since moving her to a toddler and then "big girl bed," bedtime is a hassle. Stalls at every step. Bath-time, rushing teeth, going potty, getting pajamas on, combing hair (if we get to it) - basically anything before reading books - all take for-ev-er. It starts at 7:15 most nights, and
generallyalways takes an hour+. I'll read her a book and say goodnight. Then my wife hangs out for 20 minutes. Then I'm asked to go back up and "peek on her." Then she'll sneak downstairs and we (I) put her back in bed at least twice every night. About 45% of the time, there's some crying or tantrums, but yelling is reserved for when she's being an absolute sh!t ... probably once or twice a month. Typically, the threat of "Daddy Lelling at her" is enough to get a move on. Even so, when she's finally in bed, telling me stories and that she loves me and Momma and Niblet (delay tactics, but heart-warming nonetheless) I'll admit that bedtime could be much worse. Especially since we only get about 3 waking hours with them per weekday.Establish a reasonable time for her to get ready for bed once you tell her to, and let her know that if she isn't ready by that time, no book. If she likes being read to as much as Runner daughter did, that should help.
Good call there. That tactic's been in play for probably a month or two now. Mostly it does help, but sometimes she's so wiped out that she's past the point of responding appropriately to preserve the book time.
The jalapeno's bedtime has been the bane of my existence this entire year. It started with monster fear and just kind of snowballed from there. He turned 5 a few weeks ago and we agreed that 5-year-olds fall asleep by themselves (rather than with me sitting in the room). It's going well, though it still involves several "checks" by me most evenings. The book reading goes smoothly--it's the stalling that happens after that's the problem. Yelling is out of the question--not because I'm not tempted but because his response to it causes a far bigger (and very time-consuming) problem.
I was chatting with a parent at the jalapeno's b-day party, and he said he and his wife put their girls in their rooms every night at 7:30 and sometimes the older one plays quietly in her room for a while before going to sleep. I about wept with envy.
If it makes you feel any better, the trinket doesn't even start getting ready to go to bed until about 8:30, and then it's in "the big bed". (I've spent many a night on the couch due to lack of space.) on most nights, even the big bed isn't enough to ward off meltdowns by me and her. Unfortunately, and much to my embarrassment, my meltdowns have resulted in two bedroom doors needing replacement.
We also have friends with 4-year-old triplets that go to bed at 6:30. I hate them.
The inside of the jalapeno's bedroom door is pockmarked from the toys he's hurled at it during time-outs. So it'll need to replaced at some point . . . once he's outgrown that charming habit.
He still hasn't at 5? Dammit, guess I can expect this to continue longer (meltdown last night resulted in toys being thrown). Also, I wish it was because of the trinket that the doors needed replacing....
A year ago when he was mad, he'd bite his arms hard enough to leave marks, and he doesn't done that in a good 6 months. So he has made progress of a sort when it comes to managing anger.
Re: doors - I thought that's what you meant. Better the door than the kid though. We don't spank,* primarily because we don't hit in our house, but also because I don't know that I can easily separate the "spanking as punishment" from "hitting because I'm angry." Twice I've grabbed Kernel up and sat her down roughly on the timeout chair, only realizing later how close I was to losing it.
*it gets threatened now and then, but hasn't actually happened. I don't know if she even realizes what it is, except that it only gets mentioned when she's really acting up.
We have solid wood doors and plaster walls, so there are strict limits on what we can safely take out anger on. Luckily, I have a fairly phlegmatic temperament.
I admit I've spanked the trinket twice. I'm against it, and felt completely awful both times. The two times I did it, she was throwing toys and nearly hit the bauble and the rational and calm part(s) of my brain apparently went out for a walk.
I can certainly empathize. I'm lucky in that my wife and I mostly take turns being stressed/exhausted/grumpy with regards to the kiddos. Those days when neither of us are feeling rational are the days Kernel hears it the most (and also the days she's nearly been swatted).
We don't have too much trouble with flying toys because we have a policy that anything that flies says goodbye. I would strongly consider telling him that if he throws toys during timeouts, he won't be allowed to have them in his room until he can show you that it won't happen. Then, if he does, follow through and make him earn them back.
I've definitely tried that approach, did so last night in fact, but it just means a second-third-fourth-etc. toy goes airborne. Maddening.
rpz, I'm curious about how you approach anger management in general. Stopping the flying toys would be good. But what I really want to accomplish is helping guide the jalapeno to be able to channel his big, angry feelings in appropriate ways. I've tried to encourage hitting a pillow, doing a "mad dance," drawing a picture to show how he feels, etc., with zero success.
I know that I can't do this for him--he has to manage his anger himself. We have rules and limits in place; he knows certain behaviors are unacceptable even when he's mad. I'm sure that time is on my side and that as he gets more mature, he'll naturally be better able to handle it. But a question I struggle with is whether there's some way to help him in the meantime.
It is very different, as we have only girls, but the approach we've taken is to very clearly differentiate the feelings and the actions. We try to make it clear that it isn't wrong, bad, or unacceptable to have feelings. We never punish them because they are mad. We only punish because of the things that they do when they are mad. By talking through it calmly and making it clear that certain actions are never okay, we've had some success.
We also work through it with them when they are calm (what happened, why did it happen, what can we do to avoid it in the future, what was a better way to react, etc), so that they can learn coping mechanisms that work for them. Let them talk through things to get their feelings and really listen, and also be honest with them on how you feel and how you could have handled it better. Be ready to make reasonable accommodations to make it easier for them, but give explanations if something isn't possible. Also, give them consequences and stick to them.
As an example, for throwing toys, make it clear that it isn't an okay habit, as it could damage the toys, the wall or door, or another person (note - sometimes this can be heartbreaking. OGZ has told us she wanted to hurt us in the heat of her tantrum, and that was why she was doing that). Ask him why he is throwing toys (what are you trying to accomplish? Is there a better way to accomplish it that is acceptable to both of you? Would an extra song help relax him? If so, can he commit to accepting the extra song and not throw a tantrum afterwards? Add consequences for breaking the "contract".) Be firm in saying that if it is a repeated behavior, he won't be allowed to have toys in his room. Then, follow through with it. Make him show you that he can control himself at naptime, and then slowly introduce toys again. If it reoccurs at that point, take everything again to reinforce that that action is not tolerated.
It took a really long time with GRZ, our oldest, as she is a really emotional person and many of the outlets you suggested didn't work. Eventually, she found it really helpful just to go to her room by herself and calm down. Then she'll come down and we can discuss.
Good stuff here. Calm responses from adults seem to work the best, though not always easiest, way to help our daughter express herself.
My mom tried to teach Kernel to stomp her feet when she's angry, rather than have a tantrum, hit people or throw stuff. We nixed that - not big fans of the aggressive physical expressions of anger (stomping or otherwise) - so we do a lot of trying to talk her through it and redirecting her attention. Sometimes, if needs be, we just put her in her room and let her get it out however she needs to in terms of yelling, screaming and crying (she typically doesn't throw her stuff - if she does, it gets taken away). Toughest part is that she's really sensitive. Her feelings get hurt a lot, causing her to pout, cry and/or melt down, and then she's back to happy in the very next moment. Better to get the feelings out, so we mostly just attempt to roll with it as much as possible.
Thanks for taking the time to put these thoughts together, rpz! I aspire to be firm-but-flexible in the way you describe.
My sister had a habit of slamming doors in anger in her teens. Once, she broke the window on the door from the dining room to the mud porch by slamming it so hard. Another time, Dad (who I've heard raise his voice maybe 3 times in my life and is not the disciplinarian in the duo), after she slammed her door to her room after repeated admonitions not to, calmly walked out to the garage, got his drill and unscrewed the hinges from the door frame. Didn't say a word the entire time she was pitching a fairly epic fit. Just walked off with her door.
I threatened to do that to both kids' doors numerous times, and actually did it once (briefly). In our case, I only removed the pins from the door hinges and lifted the door out.
lock the door to her bedroom.
Crap. At four, she's probably potty trained. You're screwed, you did it in the wrong order.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dafpEJH3glE
Don't weep or hate me too much, but we've been incredibly lucky with how well the boys go to bed. Nap time has started to be an issue for the 4-year-old, since he's young enough he gets pretty crabby without any nap, but he's old enough that he really doesn't want to go down, and can stay awake if he tries. Other than that, we pretty much just put them both in their rooms, read them each a book, close the door, and walk away.
But, even with a good system, even with things normally going so smoothly, sometimes it sucks. Every time bedtime goes terribly, I think of Sam Elliott.
Oops, embedding didn't work. Here you go...
Is that some kind of Eastern thing?
Far from it.
I didn't want this post to sound like a complaint because the Valet has been a ridiculously fantastic sleeper. It was just as huge case of "I'm not sleeping with Mom around" that completely startled me this weekend. Just tonight, he fell asleep in my lap before getting his usual bottle, so all is good.
Not at all. That's the thing about kids--you have a plan, a routine, it's totally under control, and then . . . it's not. On the upside, parenting has made me waaaaaaaaay better at improvising and just kind of rolling with it (whatever "it" may be).
Yup. Though in my case, I'm having to learn to apply my "roll with it" attitude to the parenting, rather than the other way around.
The wife and I have found 3 kids easier than 2 because it really forced us to evaluate what to hold firm on and what we can roll with. I had the tendency to be very firm on pretty much everything, especially with GRZ. While I still call them on breaking the rules if I see them, I definitely strategically "work on some things" in the other room as long as they don't get too wild.