For those readers who haven't caught it in the cup of coffee, WGOM will be launching a rotating post "Father Knows Best" as a dedicated post to discuss fatherhood issues. By the simple method of asking, I got the honor of debuting this feature.
As a little background on my... erm... qualifications on the topic, I have a beautiful 1 year old daughter, Gwen. She's a delight to watch grow (as are all kids, I'm sure), and I am constantly amazed at how many things she's picking up (both literally and figuratively). One of the newest delights is that she is paying attention and actively responding to discussion and commands, which brings up the topic of the day. With the ability to listen, she also is getting the much less desirable ability to actively disobey.
This was further brought to mind by a recent display at church (which I was thankfully able to observe and not participate in): a young family with around a boy around 2 years and a girl about 4 months sat in front of me, and almost immediately, it was apparent the boy called the shots for the family. Now, I don't know the family or the boy, so this isn't an attempt to call out bad parenting, but the scene that followed amazed me. At one point, the boy decided the parents should kneel while the congregation was standing, and after a minute of resisting, both parents knelt. Later, he decided they shouldn't kneel during the consecration, and they both sat down so he could put up the kneeler. At various times, he demanded to color, eat, stand on the pews, and so forth. I understand the desire to give concessions to a rowdy kid so that he will be quiet, but I immediately put on my daddy hat and thought, "what would I do in this situation and how can I prevent this from being me in a year" (the misbehaving boy, not the second kid. I know how to prevent that, not that I want to...).
Up to this point, discipline for Gwen has been mostly the "no, no" type of light admonishment but her increased awareness along with a display of how kids can be if left unchecked has started a trend of more severe punishments, but that brings up the next question - what's are the best ways to encourage the good behavior and discourage the bad?
We're achieving mixed results with escalating (but consistent) consequences. The first offense gets a stern talking to with enforced eye contact while we explain what she did that brought this on, why it's a problem, and what she could have done that would have been acceptable. The second gets a timeout, again after giving her a "here's why you're here" speech. The third usually results the loss of some privilege (food is taken away is she's spitting it out or we go inside if she is persistent in trampling the garden). On the other side of things, we make a conscious effort to praise her when she listens to what we tell her or does what we say she should do. We are also making an effort to avoid making one parent the bad guy (I always heard "just wait until I tell your father what you did" growing up).
I don't think there's anything particularly revolutionary in what we do, but this was an aspect of parenting that I hadn't put as much thought into previously and seems like it can play a huge impact on both the child's development and the relationship between the parents and the kiddo. As such, it seemed like a good inaugural topic. Fathers of the elder set, enlighten us young-uns!
Just wait.
The best thing that you can do as parents is keep a united front. My wife and I are miles apart on discipline - she thinks I'm too harsh and I think, well, I think that my daughter owns her. Kids figure out very early how to drive a wedge if they see a crack here. My daughter will tell her mother stories that are untrue just to get sympathy from mom. One time she told mom, "Dad hurt me!" This made my wife very upset until I said, "How did I hurt you?" "He hurt my feelings."
Oh boy. I hurt her feelings by telling her it was bedtime.
My wife and I are miles apart on discipline - she thinks I'm too harsh and I think, well, I think that my daughter owns her
i'm fully expecting this to be a theme of our "united front".
Mrs. Hayes talks a hard line, but I don't know if I can rely on her ethnic family background to back that up, or if her softer side will win out and have a change of heart when the time comes.
To outsiders, our marriage appears to be one of "opposites attract". I'm the laid back, easygoing (less motivated) one and my wife is the Type A, no nonsense, hard-driving go-getter. You'd think that she will be the one talking the hard line and I'll be the softy - I already spoil the h*ll outta Mrs. Corn (and she eats it up). Funny thing is, we're both fairly certain that I'll be the disciplinarian and she'll be the softy when it comes to the kernel. That's how it is with the family pets and I'm sure I'll start out with that "training" in mind.
I've been pleasently surprised to find that the wife and I are pretty close on most parenting issues and so a united front has been pretty easy for us to maintain.
One maxim that is very true: Pick your battles.
I think one thing to avoid is allowing your child to get comfortable with discipline, in whatever form. Too often I've heard parents start counting to three, only for the child to quit misbehaving at 2-1/2. Sure, the counting worked, but then the child has you counting to 2-1/2 for everything.
I also think there is a time and place to apply hand to bottom, but it had better be soon followed by a hug as well.
Aye, pick your battles, and follow through on threats! Kids are very, very adept at discovering and exploiting weakness and inconsistencies (he says, recognizing his own weak and inconsistent behavior over the years).
Don't make threats that you are unwilling to follow through on.
My major problem (I think) lies in regulating my temper. I try to maintain my stack and calmly call for corrective action. When I don't get it -- and instead get disrespectful lip or argumentation, I often blow my stack. Not cool.
I'm not a corporal punishment guy, largely due to the Mrs., but also because I don't think it is very effective. If the goal is to get the kid's attention and shame him/her, there are other ways. If the goal is to inflict pain...I think you need to reassess what you are trying to achieve.
And that latter point matches well with my afore-mentioned need to keep my temper in check. Meeting out punishment when you are pissed is dangerous.
My wife wants to do the 1,2,3 method. She's doing it with the boy (2 years old) she nannies as are his parents. Unfortunately, there is a huge, huge disconnect in how it is used with certain individuals doing the "one..... two...... Now you stop that.... one..... two.... etc." method. And when the grandparents get to him by themselves........
The count to three thing worked well for my daughter up to a certain age (which I can't remember). What makes it work is that we followed through on what happens after 3. When we actually sent her to her room after reaching 3, she learned that we meant business.
My wife is very good at following through with the kid, but his parents: not so much. For instance, his new thing is to take off running towards streets/lakes/dangerous things and when he does it with his parents, they maybe start counting, but most times just go run and pick him up immediately. She goes to work on Monday and he's usually a monster.
My way - and it has been very effective - is to send the girls to the bathroom alone when they're bad. There's utterly nothing fun there, and they're isolated. They hate it, and it works as a deterrent. I avoided the counting thing specifically for the reasons you mentioned; what happens at three? My wife uses it, though, and for whatever reason, that also works.
So far, the only downside to my bathroom thing is that I occasionally forget that the girls are there. If it's Skim, she finds a way to get my attention, knowing I've forgotten. Sour Cream, though, will close the lid to the toilet, curl up and go to sleep, no matter what time it is.
The calf is beginning to react to positive reinforcement, I think. When he does something that we want him to we get incredibly excited and then he goes bonkers. After his recent second round of immunizations the doctor asked us if he plays with toys yet. We remarked that he doesn't really. So then, after going home, I was determined to get him to play with a toy.
It took about 30 minutes but now I can't get the darn thing away from him.
Awwwwwww[some]
great start, rob. i think i'm going to enjoy that immobile/non-sass period as long as i can (there aren't any trade offs, right?).
Thanks! And, as long as you don't mind taking care of her every need constantly, nope, no trade offs.
Sorry I missed out on this... busy day today.
I didn't even have to be told "Wait until Dad gets home." I knew, and my sister and I would be sure to do our best to fix things before that.
We've never counted, although I've gone down that path a bit on how much food they have to eat before they can be excused, and I hate it when I see myself going there and can't stop it. Being consistent with what I said and a young kid's incrementalism is just no fun and it takes forever.
EAR and I never discuss this stuff in front of the kids. We present a united front even when we realize the other is being too tough or lenient. Usually, it's me doing both -- I'm much less consistent. (EAR homeschools them, she's got enough practive to be consistent.) But if I said it, I've got to hold them to it, (or reconsider -- I do fess up when I've given them too much punishment for the offense). We do not argue with each other in front of them about them. I think that gives them the opinion that we can be played against each other.
EAR started using "writing sentences" as punishment after timeouts fizzled for reasons I can't recall. It's kindof a timeout anyway, but with length not determined by counter, but by writing. My 5yo boy, HPR, gets fewer and shorter sentences, like "No hitting." While CER, my 7yo girl, gets more and longer sentences, like "I will not hit my brother."
I still use timeouts with HPR. The new house has a perfect corner right by the kitchen, so I can keep making dinner or washing dishes or whatever. (Offenses typcially occur when I'm trying to get something else done and not actively watching.)
If HPR refuses to write his sentences, he gets more. If he's throwing a tantrum, he's got to go to his room and calm down first. (New house has more room for his toys in his room, so we have to be vigilant that he's not playing.) I've got a bit of a problem connecting his delaying sentences with the further consequences: no TV, no play time with me, no games, no story, etc, if he's delayed in being ready on time. He often gets worked up again, so I'm not sure how to get him to draw the connection, or even if that's something I should expect from a 5yo.
One thing that comes up often in their pleading is that it was an accident. I tell them that makes little difference, they need to be careful about what they're doing. When they're adults, if they hurt someone with their car on accident, they can still go to jail. Intent and potential for harm or damage are both weighed when I'm deciding how to deal with it.
Sometimes I rant about what they did wrong and why it's wrong. I know it gets zoned out, but I figure the lectures are an extra little punctuation to the punishment.
A few times, EAR and I have discussed corporal punishment for HPR when his behavior has been trending too far, or he's been too defiant. It's never come to needing it, although EAR did demonstrate once and it scared them both. I got lashed on my rear end a few times with my Dad's leather belt. After that, I knew if he ever reached for his belt buckle he meant business and I was compliant.
With our 1yo, AJR, if we can see it coming, we warn her first. Then it's "No" and then removing her from whatever she's doing that's wrong. I haven't noticed anything done maliciously (vs curiously) so I don't feel that anything more has been necessary.
As for praise, I haven't really thought about that as thoroughly. It's been pretty organic, although I'm much worse at this than EAR. The praise is getting involved and excited in the stuff they're doing well. When I'm busy or preoccupied, I don't do it much and get heavier with the punishments. Having another parent here keeps me balanced. I know there's been nights my wife's been out and she comes home and I talk about how I walked right into something that I could have and should have avoided. In my defense, it's always trickier at the end of the day when I have to balance things with how tired they may be and the need for baths and bedtimes.
When I'm tired, I ramble. Enjoy those ramblings, I need to go to bed.
We still have some time, but we've talked pretty seriously about homeschooling our kids. As Gwen grows, I may bring it up again to get your and your wife's thoughts and experiences.
Our daughter apparently behaves a lot better at school than at home. She's a little angel, according to her teachers. I think she really feels the social pressure to do well. At home, she's not under such pressures and she seems to provide more challenges behaviorally. Of course, she's 4 and things can change. But, before you home school, I think a little pre-school wouldn't be a bad idea, just to see how it goes.
Yea, I'd say school is (almost) as much about social relations as about book learnin'.
Personally, I cannot imagine homeschooling. I know people who've done it whose kids have turned out great, and some whose haven't. Hey, just like regular school!
We've had the same experience with our daughter in daycare - very well behaved, MUCH more willing to try new foods, MUCH easier to potty train once she saw contemporaries using the toilet, etc.
Peer pressure is not all bad. Some of it is, of course, but at this age at least, there's a lot of really good peer pressure.
It has certainly been a net positive, but I was a little heartbroken when she told me that baseball was just for boys (something she picked up from a daycare friend). It took awhile to deprogram that.
I remember how amazed I was when our kids were in daycare and they'd have them take naps on cots. We couldn't keep the kid in a crib to nap and here she would stay on a cot?!
Peer pressure can definitely be a benefit at that age.