My daughter turns 18 in a few days and we will send her off to college three weeks later.  Since most WGOM citizens have younger children or are just starting families, I thought it would be interesting to hear from someone on the backend, someone who successfully (I think) raised up a kid and is preparing to send her out into the world.  What I write below is based on my experiences raising a daughter (and a nearly 16 year old son) but also from talking/venting with friends and relatives with similar aged kids.  The following is both advice and just top of the head rambling.

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating:  Girls are harder than boys.  Girls are harder on their moms than their dads, although your mileage may vary.  This just isn’t our experience but the experience of all of our friends who have both boys and girls.  I think it’s because girls (and their mothers) generally are more emotional.  There’s more drama involved with girls than with boys.  Issues that are a BIG DEAL to girls and moms get shrugged off by males.  It’s not a bad thing (especially for us dads), but something that you (and particularly your wife) will have to deal with, especially once your daughter hits about age 10.

The flip side of course is that girls are closer to their mothers.  It seems counterintuitive I know but the fact that moms and daughters battle one another means that they have a closer relationship.  There are things that my daughter tells her mother that she wouldn’t dream of telling me, and not just issues related to “women’s personal hygiene.”   So being a father to a teenage daughter is kind of a mixed bag.  You are relieved that you don’t have the battle scars your wife does, but you kind of envy the bond that those scars form.

One thing I thought I could be a big help with was with boys. The traditional dad-think is that teenage boys are hormone-spewing id monsters who just want to get under your daughter’s shirt and that your daughter will crumble under the smooth entreaties of the teenage boy (maybe I was projecting).   The fact is that most 21st Century teen girls are self-assured, confident, and wholly aware of what boys want. Typically it’s the teenage boys who are immature and unsure around members of the opposite sex not the girls.  What you do have to watch out for is the Mean Girl Syndrome.  The social issues with other girls gets started around 5^th grade, is huge in 6^th and 7^th grades, and then tapers by 8^th grade or so.  But even in high school girl-girl friendships are very fragile and volatile, especially compared to boy-boy friendships.  In our case at least, the issues surrounding relationships with other girls dwarfed those compared to boys.  Again, being a male, it’s hard to help your daughter through these things.  It’s highly emotional and guys just treat these relationships differently.  As I’ve told my wife, this is a typical argument between two "bros":  Boy 1:  F**k you!  Boy 2:  F**k you too!!!  Boy 1:  Wanna play some Xbox?  Boy 2:  Sure.

Having your kid grow up means you have to see them make decisions and set upon a path that you wouldn’t necessarily choose for them.  And I’m not just talking spending hours watching the Kardashians on TV.  My daughter struggles in school and wasn’t a very good student which was hard on her parents, both of whom have Master’s Degrees.  It’s partly the fact that she has some minor learning disorders but it’s partly the fact that she doesn’t want to work through something if it is difficult.  One of the hardest things we’ve had to deal with is to impress upon her not to give up, that she can get through her school work but she’s probably going to have to work harder than most people, and then even with her best effort, she’s probably not going get the best grades.  That also meant that we had to lower our expectations.  I was accepting with Cs on her report card for English and math classes because I knew that was probably all she could accomplish.  I think it paid off because although she carried a GPA under 2.0 for most of her high school career, she started to improve the Spring of her Junior year and in fact finished high school with an exact 2.0 GPA.  (It helped that she wasn’t in any math or science her senior year, but still).  Having older kids means you have to let some dreams go.  My son isn’t going to play Major League Baseball, my daughter’s not going to be a doctor.

I’m approaching 1000 words here so I’m going to wrap this up but probably the most important thing I want to impress on you as your daughter (and son) gets older is that they will grow into their own person and that the best you can do is to provide a supporting environment for them to grow up in.  You hope that you have provided a framework for them that they can use to make good decisions on their own.  If you do that, you will raise a child that is ready for the world and able to tackle whatever life throws at them.

A recent Atlantic Monthly article talks about raising children and parents trying to do everything for their children and trying to wipe away any disappointment their children may come across, sometimes in a manner that's not healthy for the children.   In the article, which is somewhat controversial, there was a quote that I thought was very true:  "We can expose our kids to art, but we can’t teach them creativity. We can try to protect them from nasty classmates and bad grades and all kinds of rejection and their own limitations, but eventually they will bump up against these things anyway. In fact, by trying so hard to provide the perfectly happy childhood, we’re just making it harder for our kids to actually grow up. Maybe we parents are the ones who have some growing up to do—and some letting go."  I think we've allowed our children to grow up, but it's not easy.  As I’ve said above, I don’t have the emotional relationship with my daughter that my wife does.  But I’ve tried to lead by example.  Encourage her to do her best.  Let her know that if she puts the effort in, she can do anything she wants.  I’ve also let her know that if she needs anything I’m willing to listen, I may not say yes, but she can ask me, nothing is off the table.

Having a young adult in your house isn’t easier than having an infant, it’s just different.  But it’s also a lot of fun to see them grow up, make decisions on their own, and have the beginnings of an adult personality.  We’ve been lucky, we have two wonderful children who for the most part have made good decisions and are successful in their own way.  I look forward to seeing them grow into adulthood and create their own life for themselves.