So, it happened. I turned 50 earlier this week. Half a century. For most of human history, 50 was at or above the average lifespan. (of course, the key word there is average, as the life expectancy at adulthood has changed relatively little in the past few centuries; whatever, ignore that like you would ignore Bluto talking about the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor; forget it, I'm rolling). So this is a milestone. A time to reflect. A time to look ahead.
Regrets, I've had a few
When my parents dropped me off at Carleton on move-in day for the first day of football camp my freshman year, my dad looked me in the eye, shook my hand, and said "learn how to do something." That comment really struck me, and probably had an effect on the circuitous path I ended up taking through my undergraduate career. I was going to be a math-physics double major, because in my family, "do something" meant to learn a technical field.
Unfortunately, I was neither intellectually mature enough nor mathematically skilled enough to succeed on that path. I very nearly flunked out of school that year. I ended up moving back home to attend community college and figure out what I was going to do with my life. When I got back home, my dad had some very different advice. "College isn't for everyone," he said. I took that as the challenge it probably was meant to be. But I already knew that not-college wasn't for me either, as I'd spent the summer working full time for housekeeping, and moonlighting as a sometimes janitor off-campus. I certainly didn't want to spend my life cleaning toilets by day and playing slow-pitch softball and drinking beer by night.
I learned in that year at home a lot about what I didn't want to do with my life. I didn't want to be a mediocre engineer or chemist (I was getting A's in the engineering physics sequence, calculus sequence, and chemistry sequence, but was working my @ss off and not particularly enjoying the work).
When I returned to Carleton, I was a bit older, a bit wiser, and a bit sadder. Sure, I had my share of fun the rest of the way, but I'd had a big enough dose of reality to have changed my perspective permanently. In some ways, I was a lot like a veteran coming home to take advantage of the GI bill, not quite fitting in with my peer group. That experience certainly colored my experiences over the following decades. I've know fear and failure.
For most of my adult life, I've been on the straight and narrow track of responsibility. I spent 20 years of my life in academia, trying to figure out how to be a success while working all too many hours and days. We took too few family vacations and I spent too little time just enjoying my wife and kids. Of that, I'm increasingly certain. Looking back, I know I missed too much of their growing up because I was so caught up in my own, struggling career. (as The Girl, then about age 3 or 4, once told someone when asked what her parents did, "Daddy goes to work every day and Mommy drinks coffee and goes to meetings.")
Things changed for me in important ways when I left academia a few years ago. I stopped taking my work home with me (for the most part) on weekends and in the evenings. I stopped carrying so much of that burden. In some respects, it has made me a better husband and father, or at least a more attentive one. I logged a lot of miles driving The Boy to wrestling meets and tournaments and The Girl to soccer and volleyball matches and basketball games. I'm still an opinionated asshole of a father, holding high expectations for my kids. But I sure as hell understand what it means to fail, to have big dreams crushed. And to bounce back.
The Kids Are Alright
We tell our children a lot of pleasant lies when they are little. "You can do anything! You can be anything!" Those are good lies, told with a hopeful spirit. Eventually, our children's degrees of freedom narrow, their options gradually pruned away as the truths of their lives are gradually revealed. Just as ours were.
I think I still have some parenting to do in this life, but our kids are at tough ages. The Boy is on the cusp of adulthood, off to college. He is at the age at which he really does have to make some of his own mistakes, and fix them himself. So far, he's been pretty lucky, or sheltered and privileged. His youthful arrogance remains largely undaunted, although his first experiences with love and heartbreak have come to him at last. About all I could do was welcome him home and silently tell him that there are many other fish in the sea. I've been there, you've been there, we've all been there. Better now than in a few years, I whispered to myself. Don't let it break you down, my fluttering stomach said. This is one hurt a parent simply can't do anything about. It's one of those "life experience" things that forge children into adults.
The Girl, meanwhile, is on her own cusp. As my only daughter, she will always be my little princess, even as her hormonal roller-coaster throws us all for loop-de-loops. I got a text from her last night. She is on a month-long residential program in STEM at one of the UC campuses this summer. And she sent me a short little, joyful text, out of the blue. A little treasure to hold onto, against the dark times sure to come. Kids do that to you.
Bottom line, I guess, is that I don't have a lot to say about this supposed transition. I'm 50. My kids are growing up. Their needs of me are changing, and I'm trying to figure out how to adapt. And that's a good thing. Life is a journey, and I'm slowly learning how to enjoy more of the scenery.
Oh, the posts you miss when you don't scroll down far enough. Especially when it gets back-dated.
I missed this for a while too. Glad I caught it. Thanks Zombieman. I'm gonna go look at pictures of my kids now...
Me three - didn't see it until I scrolled down to see what I'd missed from free's "Rock Week". Amazing post bS - I finished wanting to read more.
I'll have to ponder a bit and come back with a more thoughtful response...so much comes to mind. Lots going on in my family right now; some of it good tinged with great (and perhaps life-changing), some of it bad bordering on awful, unfair and downright heartbreaking (and also life-changing).
Thanks, Corn. To me it feels...unfinished. I wanted to spend more time on it, but got busy with life and work. Kind of like turning 50 -- it just happened!
My "more thoughtful response" turned into an essay of it's own. I don't want to detract from or alter the sentiment this one has produced, so I'll save it for another time.
That being said, I stand by my original analysis - Amazing. Thanks for sharing.
I look forward to seeing it, CoC.
Actually, it did not post at 6:30 this morning because I had it in draft. I should have revised the posting time when I released it, but didn't think to do so.
By pop'lar demand (and because I just thought of it), I revised the posting time to move this to the top o' the queue. I also added a more tag to shorten the front page consumption.
Good stuff, doc. I have a feeling I'll have a similar thing with my daughter down the road. She's already far better behaved for me and always incredibly excited when i get home. Does make a dad feel good.
Nice erstwhile LTE there, youngster. When you come to a fork in the road, pick it up!
Fifty? Why, you're still just a kid yourself!
Very nice post, Doc. When I turned fifty the family threw me a birthday party. My nephew just couldn't get over the concept that I was half a century old. But somehow I didn't feel all that ancient.
This is good.
We have gone to a number of grad parties for neighbors this summer. It has me realizing just how short of a time we have left with our kids. We have 6 more summers of the oldest.
We have made a list of trips we want to take with the kids and it is sinking in that we have more trips planned than we do time. We decided to start now.
I had a chance for a work trip to San Diego where I would take the family along. I'm sure the family would have enjoyed San Diego but it wasn't on our list. I decided to skip the work trip and we are taking the family to Mount Rushmore since it is on the list.
Deadlines help put things in perspective.
when y'all going to be at the monument? I've been forced into taking Dr. Chop to the Black Hills this summer via my brothers and parents (not that I don't really enjoy crazy horse, deadwood, mount rushmore, / saloon #10 etc). I'm excited to have Dr. Chop see a part of 'merica that she's never seen. I'm less excited that it'll be hotter than NOLA when we're there.
I just made that trip 2 weeks ago. Did it at least twice as a kid too. (I liked being able to set the agenda, though I enjoyed it when younger, too). We went childless this time, but we fully intend on taking similar trips (and bigger ones?) with our kids when they're a little older.
My parents were fantastic about taking us on trips. Philosofette's, much less so. Growing up, I saw Florida, Texas, Colorado, Yellowstone, parts of Canada, Ohio (family), lots of Wisconsin, Iowa, and SD, and pretty much all of MN at least twice. Philosofette got day trips to the Twin Cities. She's totally on board with family trips now.
With multiple kids, it is tough to time it right where they will all enjoy it. Youngest is 7 so thought Black Hills would be a good fit.
Once youngest is 10, we want to do DC.
Yeah, that was always a problem for us (I'm the oldest of 13.). I always wanted the DC trip, but my folks figured the younger kids wouldn't appreciate that one at all, so that one never happened.
so you moved there. you showed them!
Yup. And forced 'em to take a trip out there when they had kids under 10 (I think the youngest was 5 at the time), and discover that it's a good trip for young kids too.
We will be there the week before Labor Day. SD is back in school so off-peak rates!
When EAR was a teenager, she apparently suffered the worst ever trip to the Black Hills and has vowed never to return. (I believe she may have shook the dirt from her sandals as they drove away.) So I have to take the kids myself. I was thinking about splitting them up where I take the elder two (now ten and seven) and then take the younger two (if that's all there are by that time) later. But having only the one vehicle complicates that, too.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing this. As a 35-year-old with 3, I constantly struggle between "wow I'm around for the kids a lot" and "I sure could be here more." It's always difficult to make the choice to be less involved even though I know the regrets will be there later.
And that's only the start of things. 🙂
Great write-up - it really it home with me even though I don't have any children.
A few years ago, when Fargo was really underwater, my father rounded up about six co-workers to join him in taking a day off from work to help fill sandbags. I decided to join them (Mac was nice enough to not even force me to use a "sick" day). One of his coworkers asked me, "What was it like growing up with him as your dad?" She added, "It must have been really fun!"
I explained to her that the person they "know" was not the father who helped raise me. I told them about how he switched jobs right after I graduated from college (switched law firms, didn't switch careers), and suddenly he became a completely different person. I'm glad the Boy and the Girl got the same experience.
work-life balance really seems to be a Thing increasingly with late Boomers and the next generation. I think that is a good thing. All work and no play makes Johnny a lousy parent.
A friend recently told me that work-life balance isn't a thing. It's all just life. I really like the sentiment.
Indeed to growing realization, though. It makes working at an organization with the opposite mindset a painful thing. There's a plan in place for our family now, to get to that position where we'll be able to be ourselves, but it's a long road there, and it won't be easy.
I think work-family or work-life balance used to be thought of something that only women had to deal with. But of course that's silly. I have a feeling that for me, the right answer to the question of how to walk that tightrope will change depending on what stage of life the kids are at. Thanks so much for sharing this, bS!
This Onion article perfectly sums up my approach to parenting: Father Teaches Son How To Fly Into Rage Over Completely Inconsequential Bullshit.
That's hilarious.