I've made some pretty boneheaded parenting moves over the last month.
First: I left the baby sleeping on the bed while I went downstairs to get breakfast for the other kids. She seemed completely out. Of course she woke up a short time later, and didn't make a sound until she fell onto the floor. I think she probably had a mild concussion, given the way she was acting for the first half hour or so after the fall. I had a thing scheduled at work and I made plans to take her to the doctor after I got back from it, but she was back to her old self by the time I got home. Still, it was kind of horrifying.
Second: It took me more than a month to really respond to Aquinas' complaints of bullying before I took action. And it seems like that action was much needed, and has gone a long way towards correcting the problem (thank goodness for the fact that they're first graders, and still open to being good kids instead of blaming the one who told on them). My fear of ruffling feathers was too strong and my kid paid the price.
Third: And yet, in communicating about this issue, I may have inadvertently sent some signals that didn't exactly endear us or my kid to the teacher. I'm not quite sure why we can accurately observe that one kid is faster or stronger than a different one, but we can't observe that one is smarter than another? (I didn't straight up say anything like that, but I fear some unintended implications were taken (look, the class isn't particularly rigorous, and there is some classic "things are going too slow for him" stuff going on (I don't say this to brag about Aquinas, only to observe that this class is moving really slow. Halfway through the year and he's still doing math work that he did at this point in Kindergarten.)(also, he's absolutely going to keep getting 90% on everything you teach, no matter the difficulty, let's not act like 100% is needed to move on...))).
Fourth: Here's the biggie... I forgot my kid. I usually pick up Aquinas from school. If I can't, I arrange for him to take the bus to daycare. Well, I had a hearing out of town and... I forgot. So he walked to my office, per usual, only I wasn't there and the door was locked. So he started walking to the daycare, which is about a mile out of town. On the way there someone - a stranger to him (and us, but not other relatives) - stopped and offered a ride. He happily accepted because, as he put it, "he was tired of walking." The stranger brought him right to daycare (and apparently has done the same for other kids), so in a way it's a "no harm, no foul" situation. Except that my kid accepted a ride from a stranger. So... big time foul.
Anyway, I'm working at this parent thing. This morning I built a huge pillow barrier around the baby as she slept on the bed, and still went up and checked on her just about every other minute, and caught her just as she was waking up 6 minutes into me leaving her there... And I remembered to have Aquinas take the bus when I was gone on Tuesday. And I bribed him, so he got 100% on his spelling test last week. Maybe by the time they leave home I'll feel like I'm on the right track.
One morning several months ago Mrs. Hayes left the Poissonnier on the twin bed we keep in the nursery (for us to crash on when she would have a rough night, or to relax on as she falls asleep). Naturally, the Poissonnier woke up a few minutes later and rolled off the bed, which was mattress, box spring, and caster frame up from the floor. I heard her fall and ran in, but got there second. The Poissonnier had a bump but seemed fine otherwise, but I was pretty spooked and made my displeasure known in very clear terms. It wouldn't have been an issue to ask me to keep an eye on her for a minute, but a minute was all it took for the baby to have a fairly serious accident.
Looking back on that, I feel a bit bad about the lack of empathy I showed for my tired wife, but on the other hand, I don't feel bad at all about where that came from – a very clear, protective instinct toward my kid, no matter who is on the recieving end. I was relieved when it became clear no permanent damage had occurred, because the first thing that came to mind wasn't "concussion," but "spinal injury."
I suspect a good parent beats themselves up enough after an accident from temporary neglect that they don't really need anyone else piling on. You're a good guy, Philos, so I suspect you're going to ride yourself hardest for this. Kiss your baby, let her hug you, and then try to forgive yourself.
The rule in our house is no babies sleeping on beds. They're only allowed to sleep in the swing or crib. I don't think safety from falling was the number one concern, but rather SIDS because the bed is designed for us and so has blankets and pillows.
I hope floor is also allowed...
As a baby? No. Sure it's safe, but if they're sleeping, they need to be in their room.
We really relied on a "bouncy chair" as a way to set the babies down while doing other things.
I tried doing household chores once or twice with the baby in a Baby Björn front-carrier but the giant baby heads kept getting in my way.
Reminds me of the time, when the trinket was about one. She had recently started walking, but we hadn't gotten around to putting the baby gate up for the stairs. I was home with her and, after she finished lunch, I took her out of the high chair and put her down while I cleaned up. Next thing I hear is a series of thuds, the unmistakable sound of someone sliding down carpeted stairs. Fortunately, she went on her belly and was uninjured. That baby gate went up FAST after that, though.
I just leave the gate open. I blame us leaving it open for many months until he showed signs of mobility. He hasn't fallen yet and actually "closed" it a few days ago.
the Boy pretty much skipped the walking phase, going from cruising to running in about a weekend. Soon after that, I had the good fortune to be on duty when he decided to take a header into baseboard at a corner (an open doorway between our dining room and our living room. Very possibly the worst day of my life, as (a) I felt guilty about "letting" him fall down; (b) I felt horrible about his injury, which was about a half inch away from him losing an eye; and (c) he screamed bloody murder strapped down to a backboard while the surgeon stitched him up.
I left Newbish on the couch once when he was still mostly immobile to run across the room to get a toy of his. He rolled of the couch (only about two feet) and fell to the floor. It was nothing a bottle and some terrified hugs couldn't fix, but for a good year after that, I had a recurring nightmare where he was falling out of bed, which would cause me to fly awake, usually awkwardly flopping onto my wife, who would kick me and ask what in the hell I was doing.
It definitely did the trick, though. I won't leave him anywhere by himself on any raised surface for any length of time.
The rest of your list points terrify me, specifically the forgetting the kid at school thing, because I just know it's going to happen. I'm great if it's something I can work into a routine and do every single day, but if that schedule is in flux? Oish. I'm going to have to get WAY more organized, starting immediately.
You can't fix the past. Use the ride with strangers event as a teaching opportunity.
That's exactly what we've done. I think we've gotten it through his head.
Somehow we've been lucky enough to avoid any total bonehead move injuries, though there's been close calls. One time I completely forgot to buckle the car seat. We only were driving a mile, but holy hell I would have hated myself forever had I got into an accident.
He has fallen off playground equipment a couple times (from a reasonable distance) and luckily was unhurt both times, but that's not always preventable.
One time when he was just over one the wife and I were both out with stomach flu. Wife was sleeping and I passed out on the couch with the one-year old. The gate was up, and there were no choking hazards around, but there was about 10 minutes there that he had zero supervision. Gah.
ZOMG.
I goofed a few times last year when the jalapeño had to take a bus that was different than the usual one for that day. Fortunately, every time he ended up on the corner of our block instead of at after-school childcare, and we had established a back-up plan with a neighbor who has a son the same age so that if for some reason something happened, the jalapeño would just hang out at the neighbor's house. He wasn't bothered in the least because he got to watch tons of tv and eat candy. We have seriously excellent neighbors, thank goodness.
Philo, if it makes you feel any better, let me offer the following. My parents (who are generally great) took my kids to Florida for spring break this week, and yesterday was the big day at Disney World. For reasons no one can fathom, it didn't occur to them to bring any extra clothes for the 3.5-year-old. Sure the kid is great about using the potty at home and at daycare, but this is a big, unfamiliar place and requires a lot of waiting in line. Apparently there were some accidents. They all got through it, but hey, sometimes we all make mistakes.
Today, they're all having a low-key day and the peperoncino apparently said to my mom at one point, "It's so nice to have dry pants."
This actually makes me feel a lot better.
I also feel good because Aquinas knew exactly what to do/where to go. But still...
The one weekend when we've been out of town without the Valet, my father decided to let him nap on their bed instead of the pack and play. Of course, Papa Young also feel asleep and the Valet rolled off and got a big bruise on his cheek.
I remember the story of the dad who drove to work and forgot to drop his baby off at the daycare first (it wasn't the normal routine).
I feel horrible for him, but can totally see how it could happen.
In our car seat safety class, it was emphasized that you should make a habit of checking the car seat when you get out of the car. Easier said than done if you're running low on sleep.
I am absolutely terrified of this. To the point I've considered some sort of jet ski auto-kill wristband that attaches to my wrist while I drive, with the other end on the carseat.
In theory, a car designer could make it impossible to lock the car from a key fob or a front door, so that in order to lock the car, you would have to open a back door. Our key fobs have recently stopped working, so we have to lock manually, but it's still pretty easy to do so from the driver's door.
HPR did a cartwheel down the stairs at the old house. I'm surprised he wasn't injured. Probably something about bendy baby bones.
The Couch and TV were in the basement and I used to watch a lot of TV on the weekends. The couch's back was right up against the wall that was open from the stairs.
So there was nowhere to put a gate at the bottom of the stairs (there was at the top).
HPR was just getting mobile so I just piled a bunch of things (laundry, toy kitchen, etc.) at the bottom of the stairs, figured it would be enough to stop him. I probably dozed off, and woke up as he was tumbling down. I was so scared I had ruined him.
When I lived near Sioux Falls, I woke up late for work. Late, where I worked, was a BIG deal. I rushed to get myself and the 2 and 3 year olds ready. Go out to the car and no car seats.(mom had them in her car 70 miles away) Daycare was 10 miles away. Risked it, and promptly got pulled over for speeding as I left town. Cop walks up, asks me why I was rushing and if I knew I was speeding. Gave him my story. He looks in the back seat where kids are on the bench seat with lap belts and I thought I was going to jail. He looks back at me and says "Take it easy". No ticket, no jail... big relief for me, but what was he thinking?? I still feel guilty today for taking that risk. Duh.
what was he thinking?
For a one-time mess-up like that, your kids were most likely better off getting to daycare that way than getting social services involved?
When our oldest was a baby, my wife and I went with a some friends to one of the friend's apartment. We go inside the apartment, talk about this and that, and completely forgot that the baby was still in the car. Freaked our selves out. He was still breathing, all was good. Wasn't a hot day, but man, that taught us something that we've held on to for a long time.
All our babies have fallen off a couch or bed at some time. It happens, but they're still pretty normal. And all of them have slept in our bed. Never had a problem with them. Except of course right now we're trying to get our youngest out of our bed and into her own crib (11 months). She WILL NOT SLEEP in her crib. She will cry for upwards of two hours, and not go to sleep. If she does happen to nap, it's not long, and it's not deep. I'm hoping to break her of this habit when my wife goes out of town in a month, but we'll see. The first night is always the hardest.
Oh, and a year or two ago I forgot my oldest daughter (she was about 10 at the time) at her cheerleading practice. She was devastated. I was only 10 minutes late or so, but she was in tears. (She got ice cream). My son on the other hand would revel at me being 10 minutes late. He's always busy talking with friends and taking forever to get into the car. Amazing how kids can be so different.
Yup. I have distant memories of those kinds of "cry it out" solutions. Sooo hard to follow-through on, but sadly necessary.
Thankfully I only had one really bad night. Made me wife leave the house. But he learned pretty quickly how to self-soothe after that. I don't like that being the first option for sleep-training, but we were at our wits end.
After we did it, I started wondering if this method can be used to teach children other things.
"Go in your room and don't come out until you've dressed yourself. You'll figure it out."
"Go in the bathroom and don't come out until you can poop in the toilet."
When I was 8 my dad dropped me off at the park with my bike and said, "Don't come home until you know how to ride it." My mom was so angry with him. Thirty minutes later, I got home on my bike.
That's pretty awesome.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh. Sigh.
Now I am worried about flashbacks. I should never have come here during a brief break. I should have waited until I could start drinking.
On the other hand, I am looking forward to telling graphic stories about potty-training The Boy to his children some (very distant) day.
Y'all have me so excited that we've been planning for awhile to go "diaper-less" during the days this weekend to let the Valet try to understand when it is that he's thing to the bathroom*. Can't wait until morning!
*We've had a few successes during our times on the training potty the last couple of weeks, but it's more of a right place, right time thing than any sort of skill he's learned.
We've finally gotten the bauble fully trained. It's so awesome. Also, we somehow, through two kids, have had zero night time accidents, which is also pretty awesome
We used a rewards chart. It was pretty successful until life intervened, and then successful again when reestablished.
that said, the whole "crapping in the toilet instead of the diaper" thing was. very. hard.
We've got the reward chart going, but so far he's still basically unaware when things are happening until after they've happened.
Niblet's aware, he just doesn't want to go on the toilet. He'll wander into another room or some corner for privacy, crap in his diaper, and then come back and say, "I'm poopy."
I vaguely remember something called "Pick up/put down" where you let the kid know you're there, give them a hug, and then put them back in the bed. Don't come back for increasing amounts of time.
The amount of time of holding was also increased from "until asleep" to "just a hug, don't even pick her up" over time.
Probably came from "The Baby Whisperer", who wrote some books that were quite influential with my wife (but the author passed away at a young age before we had HPR).
I found so much from "The Baby Whisperer" to be useful, but the "pick up/put down" thing was awful for us. It might be a functional method, but I think it's difficult to follow. The problem for me was determining when the child is "drowsy but awake" and how you're supposed to soothe the baby without practically rocking them to sleep, which is what you're trying to avoid in the first place. If you're able to remain compliant with the instructions, it probably works fine.
We did Weisbluth cry-it-out (no schedule like Ferber, just put the baby in their own room and walk away), feeling like an asshole at the time, but after 20 minutes or so of crying, the baby went to sleep. This was probably less than she had cried in any of the pick-up/put-down nights. I forget which book, but there was a recommendation that if the baby cries for more than 45 minutes, they probably aren't tired enough yet, so go get them and try again later. I wasn't really worried that there would be some kind of long-term psychological damage, I was more worried that she'd just be more of a handful in the short term, but that has not been the case. Now bed time is generally pretty uneventful, on a bad night she might fight it for 15-20 minutes before going to sleep.
We did the whole sleep training thing around 4 months and my impression is that the longer you wait, the more difficult it can be.
Naps on the other hand...
In general, I don't think baby sleep books are good about acknowledging differences in temperament when it comes to either parents or babies. Even though in theory it seems like all babies should be the same, they're tiny people and they absolutely have preferences and personalities. So naturally, different things will work best for different families.
I used to frequent some baby-related discussion boards, but there got to be too much "I know the one true and correct way to handle this issue" type of comments, so I decided I needed to cultivate some other places to hang out online.
The one true and correct online hangout is clearly the WGOM
This this this.
Our children have been markedly different from each other, and so has our life circumstances. Our firstborn wasn't ready for crying it out the first time we tried it with him, so he ended up nursing with Philosofette for a while longer, then took a few tough nights of crying it out, but each was progressively better. The secondborn was more stubborn. Third was a piece of cake, cried a little bit one time and then never had an issue again (but now gets up constantly!), and the 9 mo. old still gets rocked to sleep, and probably still will for a while, since I don't have the energy to go through the steps with her right now, and besides she still wakes up every couple hours and demands attention.
EAR frequented the Baby Whisperer boards early in our parenting adventure, but after the Baby Whisperer died, EAR realized that it was just a bunch of people with their own BS solutions based roughly on which parts of the Baby Whisperer worked for them and throwing out the whole understanding your baby's temperament that was a main part of her books. (From what I remember.)
Yeah, I agree, what works for one baby or family may not for another.
I would actually go further than you on the books in that they foster a lot of those attitudes you mention from discussion boards. They will often actively or passive aggressively trash methods that run counter to their own one true method.
I got extremely frustrated at the hospital after delivery when every 12 hours we would get a new nurse with what seemed like entirely different beliefs about exactly what to do with the baby. I realize it's not possible to keep the first post-partum nurse there until you are discharged, but maybe they could all huddle up and get their stories straight. With as self-certain as they all came across, they couldn't all be right.
Our first nurse was just terrible. The last few were much better. So at least in our experience, things improved!
My understanding from somewhat-insider info is that you had a relatively unusual experience and that they tend to staff with the best nurses just after birth and it kind of goes downhill from there. If I knew her address, I would put our first nurse on the holiday card list.
Ours kept pushing my wife's uterus so hard that she almost passed out. And she was also just not very empathetic. I wonder if the fact that she had no kids and the rest did made a difference.
Ubes, I agree about the books. It's great from a marketing point of view to say that all the other books out there on the topic are crap, but it certainly contributes to beliefs about there being "one true and correct way" to raise a baby.
We're not the breeding types, but listening to our friends talk about sleep training is fascinating. One set's kid is just about 5 months old now, and they're into sleep training mode (and also feeling like assholes). Another couple have a two and a half year old who still nurses to go to sleep, and will wake mom up in the middle of the night when scared / awakened and need nursing to get back to bed (which is their bed, the husband sleeps in the guest bed most nights...)
I pass no judgments as it takes all kinds, and we're not going to have kids, but I think I would go nuts sharing one bed for the whole family.
One thing I've noticed is just how variable adults are in their sleeping. I'm a heavy sleeper, so even though babies are pretty noisy sleepers even when they are actually sleeping, that never bothered me for the first four months when she was in our room (but not our bed.) On the other hand, I have a relative who insisted that all her kids went in a different room from the first night home or she never would have gotten any sleep. (I think this is currently not recommended by the American Pediatric whoevers for SIDS risk, FWIW.) In the bed could be tricky for me. We don't really do that except for the early AM nursing, I think even as a heavy sleeper, extra jostling would be tough for me.
I think having a summer baby helped during the initial 3-hour sleep/eat cycle--in the middle of winter I think that would have been a lot harder. We also leaned heavily on watching the Olympics during this sleep-deprived time. Many thanks to the would-be bronze medalist Mongolian wrestler whose coaches went crazy after his last-second loss. The humor was much appreciated.
They recommend sharing the bedroom (but not the bed) for the first year. I think they're nuts to recommend doing it that long.
Eh, our kids still go to sleep in our bed, usually with my wife. Once they're asleep, I move them to their own beds and they sleep there the rest of the night. Everyone seems get the sleep they need.
For the first year, it's a major SIDS risk.
I think that removes the measurable part of the risk.
Everyone slept better when the crib was moved into the next bedroom
recommend sharing the bedroom (but not the bed)
Given the size of our first place, this would have been impossible for our first three.
Given the thickness of the walls, we were all functionally in the same room. I used the baby monitor with the sound at zero... if it lit up, it meant the sounds were coming from the baby's room.
With all this sleep stuff, there's also a huge cultural component. I remember talking with my Tibetan neighbor when the peperoncino was about three months old and sleeping in his own room at night. She was a little horrified. And I could kind of see from her perspective how absolutely bizarre it must have seemed--especially since she was sharing a bed with her 3-year-old.
Along with cultural differences, personal preferences play a big, big role in what works and what doesn't. Aside from in a small hotel room or something similar, I can't imagine ever intentionally having a kid sleep in our bed. It's happened a few times here and there, but it was never the plan by any means. For others, I know that is their preference, and they love having their kids sleep in their beds.
Other than SIDS risks and things that are actually dangerous, I'm firmly in the "you do you" camp of parenting. I understand and even feel the first reaction of "that's not what I did, it must be wrong," but with differences between kids, between parents, between families, between cultural norms, who would expect it all to be the same?
ayyup to both the feeling-like-an-asshole and the effectiveness.
Now if I could just train our cats to not scream for food every time I walk into the kitchen.
Now if I could just train our cats to not scream for food every time I walk into the kitchen
Now this is the kind of parenting advice I'm in need of.
We got autofeeders. It was great until one of the cats decided he needed an escort to the feeders every time.
our cats eat different foods (because The Asshole is allergic to everything) and think the other cat's food is The Greatest Thing Evah!
so we can't leave dry food out for either one (The Glutton will eat all of The Asshole's food and vice-versa).
and while I am at it, I might as well share what passes for entertainment when you are middle-aged, empty-nesters. When The Asshole's food bag is empty, the Mrs. cuts it open and let's The Glutton lick the inside of the bag. She (the cat, not the Mrs.) spends a good 20 minutes doing so. Twenty minutes of heaven for her, and about 10 calories.
Love it. Our cat is nicknamed shithead for obvious reasons (she's lost a bit of bowel control).
The Asshole's more typical handle is Biggus Dickus. But I also refer to him as "Black Panther, Prince of Darkness." Formally, Ivan the Terrible.
Here he is contemplating starting something with The Glutton:
They're plotting to eat your face after they murder you while you sleep.
I absolutely, 100% refused to do cry it out. (I wouldn't have been able to anyway). Seems like a bad developmental idea to leave a baby crying alone.
So those of us who have done it have harmed our kids irreparably?
I'm not gonna say irreparably and I'm not judging, but I do think it's bad for them and it was something I, personally, want willing to do.
Thus far, there has been zero evidence of damage. To the children. I don't know if anyone has done studies on the adults.
It gets better for the adults. Trust me on this.
as for the kids, well, face it. They are going to hate you for something.
Runner daughter knew if she came into our room at night, I would just tell her it was bad dream, go back to bed; meanwhile Mrs Runner was more sympathetic but awakes very startled (scarily so) , so she never knew which side to go to
Seems like a bad developmental idea to leave a baby crying alone.
Worked for Sparta.
Here's what I did to get Miss SBG to sleep in her crib without her mother being there (to fed her until she fell asleep). First night (she was about 13 months old) she cried when I took her to bed. Screamed. I took her downstairs and held her for 45 minutes while she screamed. When she stopped, I put her into bed. The next night, same thing, 30 minutes of screaming. Within one week, I could put her in that crib after about two minutes of sitting in the rocker and she would go to sleep on her own.