No announcements (sorry!)
Newbish is three now. All through the terrible twos, people told us that three would be worse. Credit where it's due, these people were correct. Newbish is generally a delightful kid - courteous, caring and very, very smart. He's also strong willed as hell, and while I generally find that to be a positive (I'd rather he stand up for what he thinks than to simply follow along and do what he's told), it would be really, really nice if he would occasionally just LISTEN.
Voice raising does nothing, and positive reinforcement hasn't been particularly successful. Right now, the only way we can get him to stop in his tracks and pay attention to what we're saying is to threaten to take away something he cares a great deal about (his favorite toy or his favorite blanket usually do the trick). Otherwise, he's basically a terminator - can't be bargained with, can't be reasoned with, and doesn't know pain or fear. Now, I love threatening my kid as much as the next guy, but I have to wonder if there might be a better way to accomplish this.
Every kid is obviously different, and any advice you give might end up not working, but I'd love to hear any tips or tricks you folks have used in the past to get your little ones to pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth for 5 seconds.
(The title is obviously a quote. If we're able to break through for a second, he's usually able to realize that he's not listening......that realization is usually fleeting)
I'm afraid I'm 25 years removed from the terrible twos (and yes, three seemed to be the nadir for us as well), and the mind has a wonderful way of blocking out painful memories.
I know when I was growing up, peer pressure among siblings always worked well -- "oh, sorry, they all got dessert early because they heard me say to put away their stuff." Also shock collars.
Oh, I remember those days. My son was far worse than my daughter. My wife is the yeller and I am the one who would grab the child by the hands and force eye contact. I would then speak firmly and softly. Didn't always work, but often did. When it didn't work, there would be consequences like losing a toy, or later, a phone or I Pad. We never parented with physical consequences as I grew up in that and it messed me up for a long time. In the end, patience was our most valuable asset. Kids will be kids and there is no magic bean for modifying behavior. Wish I could help more, but that's all I got. Just remember that far too quickly they are flying the coop.
Yea, I was the yeller in our tag team. It never really worked.
and yea, patience is good, and corporal punishment...isn't our thing.
The hard thing is that it's just really hard for them to process a ton of information at that age and so in addition to being strong-willed, being acutely aware of their surroundings and what their body is doing and what their non-verbals are and how their actions affect others is very limited.
With our boy it was really all about patience. Tried not to raise our voice unless he was doing something dangerous or hurtful. Then I think a very loud, sharp noise is good to get their attention. If he was just throwing a tantrum, even in public, we would usually just wait it out while giving him positive regard. Sometimes we'd hug him until he was calm enough to listen. Sometimes we would validate and name the emotions he was experiencing and that they were okay and we were ready when he was ready.
Sometimes I have to remember that I'm also constantly distracted and don't always hear him and so I shouldn't get so frustrated when he's reciprocating the ignoring.
I still struggle with the not listening thing with my son, who just turned five. A lot of times it really seems to be purposeful not listening, like I know he heard what I said and knows what I mean, but does the wrong thing anyway. Guuuuuuhhhhhhh is it frustrating. Therapy had me improving with the yelling, which I was really quick to use in the past and I still have a tendency to keep arguments with my daughter going a bit longer than I probably should.
One thing that my kids looooove to do is bicker with each other about the most inargueable shit. Like yesterday when we had to go to kohl's and then were gonna get ice cream and my son insisted that kohl's is also an ice cream store. Then damn kids will argue with each other whether water is wet.it's their favorite road trip game. Those in the car situations end up with me using my loud voice.
For the most part, though, I survived their first four years and they both have gotten a lot better since that age now that they have a much bigger vocabulary and comprehensive abilities. If they get mad and won't do something I ask them to do I try my best to wait out any tantrums and do the taking things away thing as well. If they don't reach tantrum stage, though, offering a treat for say cleaning their room usually works pretty well.
Hahahahahaha! Okay, sorry, that’s probably not a very helpful response.
When the peperoncino was three, I regularly would say to his older brother, “Being three is HARD.” Naturally, the whole reason I knew this was from when the jalapeño had been three. And when a coworker’s son was three, she was telling me about a parenting book she’d read. One of the key takeaways—hire a babysitter. In other words, give yourself a break from the kid.
There are some things that kids do that are a problem and need to be addressed and corrected. There are other things that you just need to survive and they’ll resolve on their own. In my experience, much of what happens with a three year old just needs to be survived.
One of my favorite sources for parenting strategies is Magda Pecseyne. She offers PDFs on various topics and ages. Here’s the opening paragraph of one I think you’ll find helpful:
Another resource that you might find helpful is the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I’m not going to tell you it’ll instantly fix anything, because that wasn’t my experience. But it gave me a framework for talking to my kids so that I at least had an approach I felt comfortable using rather than feeling like I was utterly at a loss when things were going badly. It’s also, as I recall, a reasonably quick read.
A couple other tips come to mind, and forgive me if they’re things you’re already doing. One is to give limited choices to help avoid power struggles. So instead of “Do you want to get dressed?” you ask “Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?” These kids are so eager for some sort of independence and autonomy, but adults are ALWAYS telling them what to do. So annoying! For the jalapeno, who at age 3 would negotiate absolute everything, I’d sometimes make him the “boss of bedtime.” He had to do all the things we always did (books, potty, teeth, pajamas), but he got to choose the order.
I hope something in here is at least moderately useful—good luck to you and Linds!
Yes to limited choices! Even at 5 years old my son does way better when presented with options. Now, he's old enough now that sometimes he'll reject all the choices and remind us that he knows there are others, but he doesn't throw near as many tantrums. And at times it still works. I think all of us do better with choices. "Where would like to go out to eat?" is an unanswerable question in my household. Throw out the names of a few restaurants and suddenly things happen.
One helpful trick we've found this far is to set times for him.
"It's 7:25 now. At 7:30, we need to brush our teeth."
"brush our teeth at 7:30? Okay."
Even giving him a one minute timer helps a lot. It's obviously not applicable in a lot of situations, though.
Timers have been crucial for peace in our house, especially for sharing coveted toys. Their efficacy has decreased somewhat for our oldest as he'll now respond saying it hasn't been enough time (nothing would be long enough for him).
Right now, Newbish is just enough in love with numbers and the concept of time that he usually forgets what he was doing and wonders how much time is left.
"what time is it?
"7:28"
"two more minutes!"
Our son can't possibly believe how fast time goes and argues against the clock.