Sometimes, and this week has been one of those times, you just don't want to do it. You don't feel like the outcome is necessarily worth the input. You feel tired. You feel old. Your feet and legs and back hurt. You feel fatalistic and overwhelmed. You rationalize. You fall off the wagon. You hit the wall.
After nearly two months of strong effort and positivity and good vibes, this is where I found myself this week. I was fine through the weekend, I got in a good bike ride on Saturday and Mrs. Twayn and I did an hour-long walk on some fairly rugged woodsy trails on Sunday, followed by an hour or so of logging. But come Monday, it wasn't alright. My back was killing me. My feet were sore. My work deliverables were still piling up, and probably won't abate for several more weeks. The scale wasn't helping out, either. So I took a day off. Tuesday rolled around and it was time for cardiac rehab, so I went. For some reason it seems easier to go to those sessions than when I'm doing it on my own. We've added some weight training to my routine there now, arms and upper body and we'll add in legs later.
On Wednesday I could feel it. My chest hurt. It worried me more than a little, waking up again with noticeable pain in my chest. It took half an hour before I was fairly sure it was just pectoral pain from the lifting and not angina, and I even contemplated popping a nitro at first. And maybe that's what changed my mood. Whatever it was, I was suddenly soured on it all and lost more of my motivation. A lot more. I've never been an especially disciplined person, and it all just seemed to be taking a toll on my psyche. So I took another day off because, you know, screw it. Who was I kidding? Nobody lives forever, and maybe all of that work was just a kind of vanity. And then I got a phone call.
Before I left the hospital, I had volunteered to take part in a Duke University study on cardiac patients. This was the first of six interviews I will do with them. What struck me last evening as I answered their questions was the emphasis they were putting on the mental and emotional aspect of recovery. Did I find myself feeling overwhelmed? Any forgetfulness? Was I experiencing depression? Was I experiencing any unexplained anger or resentment? Did I have a support mechanism? I recalled my dad's battle with heart disease and diabetes, all the surgeries, the treatments, the drugs, the amputation, and yes, the depression. It was a very real thing. And I realized then that hitting the wall is normal, something to be expected, especially for a not particularly disciplined person like me. And I know it's something that will happen again from time to time, so I'm going to need a strategy to overcome it. I'm not exactly G. Gordon Liddy when it comes to the willpower department. So today I'll leave work at 3:00, be in the gym by 4:00, work out until 5:00, then head home for dinner and to work for another two or three hours before bed. It's hard to fit it all in. But I have to find a way. I have to tear down the wall. And if you have any suggestions for doing that, I'm all ears.
I recognize that there is a big difference between hitting "the wall" and Serious Mental Issues, but I wanted to point out that this is National Suicide Prevention Week.
If that schedule something you can stick to regularly, I'm a huge fan of routine. Back in high school, I did cross country and track, and in the winter, I would keep running, mainly because I didn't have a winter sport. But at any rate, every day class would end at 3:10, I would go change in the locker room, stretch and go for a run. It never really seemed like a choice. And sure, I liked it, but it wasn't like I was particularly good at it or really enjoyed running that much, but because it was such a habit, I was able to stick with it.
These days, I struggle to find that same kind of routine in my life, and it just seems to make everything harder. Since last October or so, I've been working out at a gym that focuses on group training sessions and even though it's not the same as practicing with a team, having some kind of community is nice and I think it helps keep me honest, too. Life has gotten in the way lately, but over the last few months I've been pretty good about going six days a week. At first, I was going just 3-4 days a week to ease into it (I didn't want to push too hard, too fast), and in retrospect, that seemed harder to me than going six days a week. It meant I had to shift my priorities around--I think I've seen fewer than ten baseball games all year--but I think it's been really good for me. I don't want to go back to my old paradigm of spending more time watching other people exercise than I spend personally engaging in exercise.
As mentioned above, life's gotten in the way of training a bit lately, but yesterday was my third straight day in the gym after an out-of-town trip. The work was focused on L-sit progression, and I was able to hit the full L-sit position for the first time, which was awesome. At some point, I'd like to be able to hold an L-sit for 60 seconds, but that's a ways off. Tuesday was focused on some hip work--hip bridges (up to 80kg), one-legged dumbbell deadlift, and sled drag. Monday was mostly mobility focused, with some rack pulls at the end (up to 80kg.) Not much conditioning lately, but I've had pretty crappy sleep and nutrition, so I've been relatively happy with getting in some strength and mobility work. I'm up to doubles on pull-ups, which is also an improvement, though my weight is down to about 165-167, obviously making bodyweight work easier.
One thing about this website is that you can report every day what you are doing. September 13, 2012. Went to the gym. Did my workout. Blah, blah, blah. There is support here. When I post my daily post and you and other follow up, there's a camaraderie developing. I suggest we keep this up. Along those lines, if you are missing workouts, tell us. It might help get you going again.
Day 51
Weight: 258.0 (on the heavy scale)
Total Loss: 26.5
This is very true- I noticed it with my ACL surgery and rehab. Much, much easier to workout with a trainer telling you what to do.
Get a sports massage once in a while to tear down the 'stuff'.
Then hydrate. Muy bueno.
St Joseph college track workout tonite - tempo ladder.
Fast 400 then easy 400 then tempo 800 easy 400 tempo 1600 easy 400 tempo 800 easy 400 fast 400.
Nice temps - good run.
When I went for a week or so without exercising, I noticed that my neck and shoulders started hurting, to the point where it was keeping me from sleeping. Now I've started exercising again, and the pain is going away. I don't know if that's coincidence (seems doubtful to me), if it's a physical thing, or if it's stress-related. Regardless, the bottom line is the same: not exercising led to pain, and exercising is leading to no pain.
So, I've decided I have to make sure I get some exercise every day, to the point where I'm becoming a little selfish about it. Really, though, it's not so much being selfish as taking the advice I've given many people: you can't help anyone else if you don't first take care of yourself.