Cup of Coffee

November 16, 2013: Overdue Changes

42 Comments

Yesterday was my brother's 34th birthday, and also the day he came to terms with the fact that he and his wife need to divorce. Their five-year marriage has been an unmitigated disaster for a long time, but my brother is such that he wanted things so badly to work that he fought the inevitable for quite some time, and poured himself into his job to avoid reality.

I considered going deep into this because it's a very complex situation where the sister-in-law I'm losing is...well, she's a really great sister-in-law, and we'd all love her like family if only she hadn't completely destroyed this marriage (this isn't my bias talking; she has acknowledged that she was always the problem to many of us). I think all of us, my brother included, would almost consider keeping her around as an almost-family-member.

Nick loves his job right now, which is a good thing because he is otherwise pretty bored with life. I'd worry about him if he was younger, but I've seen him bounce back from some crushing depression before and I have no choice but to trust he'll do it again.

Sorry for the ramble, but it's all I'm likely to think about for a couple of days, so thanks for bearing with me, if you chose to do so.

42 thoughts on “November 16, 2013: Overdue Changes”

  1. Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce always breaks my heart. I'm sure there's many details that you don't want to get into here, but I seriously would not advocate divorce except in the most extreme circumstances. It just happens way too often.

    Ironically, I'm heading down to St. Louis for my best friend's bachelor party for his second marriage. His divorce was finalized earlier this year (yeah, that quick). Basically, she wanted out and did some awful stuff to get out of it. He's a Bible believing Christian and tried just about everything to keep it going.

    If you pray, pray for Nick. If you don't pray, send good thoughts his way. Very sorry to hear about this.

    1. Sadly, pun, I'd have to say that these are pretty extreme circumstances. He discovered her cheating on him, and from there untangled the web to find that she had been cheating on him for a very long time, with multiple partners. She never stopped loving him, but she just...had to, I guess.

  2. My extended family has done the "keep the ex-husband in the family" after my aunt was divorced (this was all many, many years ago) and it worked well, so i can say from small sample size, anecdotal theater that is possible.

    Man, November must be divorce month. My neighbor finalized his lay week. The marriage only lasted about one year until she decided she wanted to pay all the time instead of growing up and eventually created on him. It has been a bitter process for him.

    1. pay all the time instead of growing up and eventually created on him

      Posting from your phone, I take it?

      1. Wowzers, yeah thasts the phone right there. I love swyping, but I gotta remember to check my word choices.

    2. Also, my aunt and uncle got divorced 10 or 12 years ago or so and my aunt is still a big part of the family, so it can be done. My mom, other uncle, my grandma, and her all still get along really well. It also probably has something to do with the fact that, as far as I understand the situation, the divorce was mostly the result of my uncle's doings.

      1. I have an aunt and uncle who got divorced when I was a kid. I didn't really figure out that they were divorced for years, as they maintained a close-if-not-intimate relationship. There are all kinds of interesting stories in the big, bad city.

    3. My parents divorced after 21 years and they're both happier and my brother and I are happier. They were miserable together and made us miserable. Not only are they still friends, my dad likes her partner of 10 years.

  3. she has acknowledged that she was always the problem to many of us

    Unfortunately, this attitude is all too frequent with women in abusive relationships too. I'm not even remotely suggesting that your brother is abusive, just throwing out a general word of caution about taking these kinds of words at full face value. Our society does ... unfortunate things to women's heads all too often.

    regarding the punman's comments.... Marriage is a contract. Too often, couples rush into the contract before they really understand much about their relationships with one another or before they really have had a chance to grow up. I find that much sadder than divorce per se. Life is too short to be spent in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

    1. Cosign on "too often, couples rush into" it. But marriage is way more than a contract, and addressing it so simplistically does it a great disservice.

      1. Contracts aren't confined to simple business relationships. Obviously, we invest a lot of emotional and cultural content into marriage relationships. But it's still a contract at its core, complete with contract language, exchange of advance sureties, etc.

        1. As a contract attorney, I'm well aware. But I would argue that marriage is first a personal relationship - that is, at its core - and the contractual elements are more ephemeral to that.

          I also suspect there's a bit of talking past each other here, as you're probably looking at the civil institution more than the joint religious/civil concept that I adhere to.

          1. aye to that (talking past one another). I personally don't put much stock into the religious concept. That's not to say that I haven't invested pretty heavily into my own marriage, and I don't just mean the conjoining of estates.

            Marriage for love is a modern concept. I'm in favor of it, to be sure.

    2. I don't think it's a secret here that I'm not a religious man, but to be honest, I don't know whether my brother is or not. We can talk for hours, but he has a stricter code of what not to talk about than the WGOM does.

      In their five-year marriage I have learned now that they lived together for perhaps eighteen months. He once visited my wife and me in Yakima, and we learned a year later that the two of them weren't living together at the time and weren't particularly getting along, but - and they did this over and over - they took the trip together so nobody would ask them difficult questions.

      A couple of months ago the two of them went to Mexico with another couple. This was shocking to me when I saw the pictures online, and I hoped that things were better. I now know that when they met at the airport, it was the first time they'd seen one another in months.

  5. ESPN poll: 66% of respondents believe fighting makes hockey safer. So, two thirds of hockey fans have a brain the size of a walnut.

      1. NBBW and I went to a Leaf's game against the Devils in Toronto a couple of years back (when Air Canada flights were affordable).

        A Devil and a Leaf got into in.

        After several minutes of pugilism and roughhousery, all of their upper body gear and helmets had been ripped off, but since they remained on their skates, the refs let them go at it. The well-Molsoned crowd chanted along in joy.

        Finally one knee touched the ice. It was over. Oh, Canada!

    2. Is the idea that a threat of a fight keeps dirty play at bay, and therefore fighting keeps more bad hits from happening?

      2. I think there was a time when that was true. With the number of camera angles and video replays and injury-awareness now, no one can really expect to get away with cheap shots without consequences. The question is if the delayed consequence of a fine/suspension can be as effective a deterrent as the immediate consequence of having to fight the other team's goon the next shift. (Matt Cooke's career could probably be used as an argument that the league discipline is more effective than enforcers, he didn't change his headhunting ways until suspensions started piling up and the league made hits to the head suspendable offenses)

        1. It also helps (tremendously) that the money for players in hockey is much, much greater than it was 20-30 years ago. The good players are just too valuable to not have them on the ice consistently.

          I think that's the universal thread across American team sports. As the players have seized a greater share of the revenue stream, the games have reformed dramatically. Bob Gibson-style headhunting is no longer acceptable in MLB; fights are almost unheard of in the NBA; and various of the more vicious aspects of the NFL and NHL have been reformed away or dramatically reduced.

    1. I had been planning on watching all weekend, but I'm currentlyon a bus to O'Hare to make my way to China. Damn. It all.

    1. I'm thinking of just acm006.com for my personal domain. I get a .co one too and I'm thinking deanaim.co which is Irish for "I make".

  9. Well, as luck would have it, my gate is across from a Goose Island bar, so the Honkers and Matilda will help get this trip off to a decent start.

      1. You would be correct, sir. I do love that two beers in an airport costs twice as much as the overpriced sandwhich. Nothing like expense account gouging.

  10. the end of regulation for the NW-Mich game was insane
    3-13 and the pass was short so Michigan had to do the mad scramble to kick FG

  11. Gopher lady puck win 62nd in a row! Check out this sick pass and goal. Goalie didn't even know it happened.

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