This edition of FKB will be advice free and more of a theraputic thing for me, I think.
Our first experience with a newborn was somewhat difficult, especially for new parents and someone like me who was previously against the idea of having kids at all. The reflux and the late night screaming was difficult to adjust to, and I struggled initially. But, in the end, and after the reflux diagnoses at about three months, we ended up with the best daughter ever. After that, it took me awhile to get into the idea of having another. My wife wanted one (with a reasonable separation between the two, though) but I just wasn't sure if I was ready for two or if it was a better idea to just be able to devote all of our attention to the wonderful little girl we had. Eventually, after hanging out with some of our friends with two kids and seeing that dynamic (all boys, but still) and remembering my own experiences growing up in a two child household, I decided I was ready for it.
I was not ready for it.
The second pregnancy was marked with the same type of problems my wife had the first time around, but increased in magnitude. It got started off poorly because my insurance changed at the beginning of the year leading to her being forced to a different doctor (and away from a truly great family doctor how was completely awesome the first time around. I won't say anymore on the subject, though, because of the forbidden zone.) Her blood pressure was up and medication wasn't working as well which led to a lot of doctor visits and a lot of all around stress. It was just not pleasant. Of course, that high, uncontrollable blood pressure lead to pre-eclampsia and an induced labor about 6 weeks early. She was confined to the bed throughout and had no choice but to get an epidural. The bright side is that it didn't lead to c-section, and really, she says the epidural wasn't as effective as she'd heard so it felt mostly natural.
Of course, this led to a few day's stay in the NICU for the bauble. They were low stress days, overall, because he improved very rapidly and he was only there because of his early-ness as opposed to serious health reasons. But, we were definitely still off to a worse start than previously. The bauble also has the reflux, only it seemed to be twice as bad as the trinket had it. His screaming was louder and harder to calm, milk came out of his nose and he had a hard time with spitting up at first because the doctors insisted we add formula to the breast milk we gave him for weight gains after his severe weight loss from the UTI, even though my wife's milk was tested for calorie content and found to be higher than the high calorie formulas. The doctors we have been with just don't seem like they actually care about our home dynamic or any facts about my wife's milk or the baubles actual weight gain. The doctor he sees keeps using the formula fed growth chart for him and it frustrates me incredibly.
So, for the first three months of the baubles life, I have not been the best dad. I'm having a very difficult time coping with his problems and I think it has a lot to do with having a two year old in addition to the increased severity of his reflux. The first time I watched him by myself (my wife went to the store with the trinket) resulted in him screaming non-stop (we had just switched his medication from ranitidine to prevacid, so it was like he was on nothing at all until the prevacid started actually working) in a way that nothing I could do would calm him down. I had to put him in his swing, screaming, more than once while I walked into a different room and yelled as loud as I could. I upset my wife by texting her numerous times to hurry home. Basically, I felt completely useless because there was nothing I could do, and it was awful. I still feel that way often, but I feel like I should not feel that as much because if there is one thing I am good at in all of this, it is dealing with the trinket and keeping her occupied when my wife has to feed the bauble. But despite that, I still just don't think I'm any good at this. It's putting a strain on everything in my life. Its been difficult.
However, he is now over three months, nearing four. That appears to be the magical age where a reflux baby (or, our reflux babies) get better from the medication and start not screaming constantly. He's starting to smile at me and talk some. The bauble loves him and her favorite thing to do is give him hugs and kisses and lay next to him when he's under his play gym thing. Her coping with having a baby around has been nothing short of incredible, even though she does have some tantrums when she feels she isn't getting enough attention. But, she's two. If anything has helped me get through this, it is her and I hope to someday be able to express that to her.
I know things will get better and I'm not really worried about how the bauble will turn out. Its already improving. But, I don't think I have ever made a better decision than to get a vasectomy. I love my kids dearly, but I don't think I could handle going through this again.
I'm pretty impervious to stress. Then I found out my kryptonite: being exhausted. The first two months were tough.
Aye, that exhaustion sure heightens every other stress, doesn't it?
Absolutely. I have a lot of patience and dealing with his crying fits was no problem. Then it's early morning, haven't slept in a long time, and I have no patience for anything. It's something I work on and hope will be less of a problem with future children.
I hope it is for you. Unfortunately, its something I wasn't able to improve on.
I had the advantage of time. I've known it's a problem for 15 years and re-learned the hard way I still have farther to go.
In some ways, cheaps, you are living my life. Except that I added tenure stress to all of the other stuff. Mmmm, good times. Hang in there.
I'm adding financial stress to the equation as well, so good times! My career is going very well, but that growth isn't fast enough, it seems.
Thanks for sharing such honest thoughts. From what I can tell in my household, Mr. NaCl had a more difficult time adjusting to the second child than I did. (But the first child was a big difficult adjustment for me.)
Oh, and the peperoncino's reflux got better right around 4 months as well, helped by Prilosec capsules and a dairy-free diet for me. Life is so much better when the reflux is under control, though rice milk on my morning cereal bums me out every time.
The peperoncino just turned 5 months and is in a really happy and easygoing stage. The jalapeno has also become expert at making him laugh, which pretty much melts my heart.
Reflux was The Best. Thankfully, they tend to grow out of it. At least until they go to college.
My wife didn't try removing dairy because frankly, I'm not even sure that would be possible without the strongest of will power. We eat a lot of dairy. But, the prevacid does seem to have helped and with both kids there has been a magical 3-month spot where they improve drastically.
Also, as an aside, no one has tried to tell us that the bauble is just "colicky" like everyone seemed to want to do with the trinket. If anyone had said that to me, I might have been arrested.
I tried a little dairy the other weekend, and the peperoncino woke five times that night and was crying in pain. So, no go. At one point I wasn't eating soy either (because soy protein and milk protein are quite similar), and as a vegetarian that was tough. Fastest 5 pounds I ever lost, though!
"...if there is one thing I am good at in all of this, it is dealing with the trinket and keeping her occupied when my wife has to feed the bauble. But despite that, I still just don't think I'm any good at this."
Sounds to me like you're doing everything right. As bS said, hang in there.
I am, I am. I just have a hard time getting over any feelings of uselessness, and the bauble gives me those in spades. Maybe I'll just have to play extra sessions of catch with him when he's older, or something.
When we tell people that we only have one child, we always follow it up with "We won the lottery the first time so we stopped playing." I'm pretty sure we made the wise choice for us.
I remember being really frustrated when Runner daughter always wanted Mrs. Runner whenever something was wrong. What am I, chopped liver? Well, she comes to me now, fwiw.
Heh, I think that will be our relationship with our daughter. I forsee a "daddy's girl" thing when she's older, and I'm ok with that.
The joys of being a parent- you don't have to be good at it, you just gotta be flexible. I kept trying new things until I found something that worked okay. For instance all three of my kids needed something different to sleep- the first needed a pacifier, the second had to sleep upright in a swing or bouncy chair, and the third would conk out anywhere once his belly was full. It was an adjustment going from the first to the second when very little that had worked on the first one worked with the second.
And also, sometimes babies just want to cry and scream. I got pretty good at telling those noises apart from noises that actually meant the kid was in some sort of distress, and that made everything easier.
It is weird like that. The trinket absolutely rejected any and all attempts at using a pacifier, but the bauble is the complete opposite. Humans are weird, man.
But yeah, that really bad day in question was made worse by the fact that his screaming was because he was in distress from the reflux, I think. I still don't really know what it was, because I went through everything I could think of and he was still red in the face. My wife had to come home from shopping early (a partial bonus...) and she was not happy about it.
With both our boys, three months was when it got much more enjoyable to be a Dad. That's when they start smiling and responding to you and you start seeing development. They also sleep for longer periods and get into more of a routine.
Yep, three months. Same exact timing for both of mine. The smiling when you can tell its because they see/hear you and not just gas is the best part.
This. And, with two of them, interaction (at least the happy interaction).
I totally get the feeling useless thing. Philosofette is a rock star during those first months, and I just kind of stand there and change diapers from time to time. You want to be able to take care of everything when the wife finally gets a chance to get out of the house, so having such a hard time... it'd be just as traumatic for me. I can empathize with that experience entirely. Glad to hear it's turning, and keep up the good work. Seems to me so long as you're working at it at all, that makes it "good" work.
Traumatic. I hadn't even considered that word for it, but it fits like a glove.
Thanks for the encouragement. This place is the best.
I think it's something every dad shares, especially when the mom is nursing. With my older two girls, I know how to deal with them and can watch them pretty much perpetually. In fact, with RMZ, I was the say at home dad for much of the 13 days she was in the NICU as the wife stayed at the hospital to help with the feeding thing. With RMZ, though, I can hold her and change her, but that's about it. I haven't watched her for more than an hour or so, and that's plenty of time at this stage.
I don't really have much to add that others haven't. You know it will get better but it doesn't make it much easier while you're in the thick of it.