The cards and photos have long been lovingly put into a nice box and stored away. The calls asking “so how you doing” have slowed to a trickle too. Most of Elaine’s clothes have been brought over to Goodwill and I have started to move some of my stuff into her old dresser drawers. The medical insurance has all been figured out and I haven’t seen a doctor’s bill or EOB in many weeks. It’s been six months since I’ve become a widower and as time moves onward, the rhythm of a new life is starting to emerge.
One thing I learned about being a widower, especially one who spent 5 years taking care of an increasingly frail spouse, is that you have to learn how to give yourself permission to do stuff that you had to give up before. Evenings that were spent hunkered down at home are now free for whatever I want to do. New eating schedules and TV watching patterns have taken hold. It took me a while to “learn” that.
Of course the sorrow is a constant weight and, having two kids away at college (even if one is 5 miles away), means that I am the ultimate empty-nester. So yeah, it can get pretty lonely at times. For better or worse I inherited the dog. Also snow covering the gravesite cut a little deeper than I thought it would. Nothing quite brings the finality of it all like a cold, wind-swept, snow covered cemetery.
But I like I said, rhythms of a new life have emerged. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since the funeral. Both due to an exercise regimen and just plain eating a lot better. Stress definitely led to poor eating habits. My London trip was a success and I have plans for Florida in February, with hopefully a mountain hiking/biking trip out west in the Summer or early Fall. My tackling the Superior Hiking Trail is going full force and I’m anxious to see how far I get next year. I’ve been able to see more live music, but not as many movies.
Finally I’ve found someone new. It’s actually someone that I knew from before I met Elaine but hadn’t seen nor heard from in over 26 years. Through a crazy set of circumstances we were “re-introduced” in mid-August and have been seeing each other ever since. She has been a great help in dealing with the sorrow and especially the loneliness (if you go to Lydia Loveless on the 29th you can meet her).
So we can mourn and be sad for Elaine but we have to continue onward too. If there is one thing I learned from my wife’s sickness and eventual death is that you have to live your life, regardless of whatever shitty hand you were dealt. Elaine could have easily packed it in five years ago when she was diagnosed with Bronchiectasis but she didn’t and she basically did everything she could to live a full life until her body just wouldn’t let her anymore. I have reminded my kids of that and I remind myself of that lesson everyday. I think to do otherwise would be the cause of an unpleasant visit from my wife -- either in this life or the next.
Thanks for the update Free. I'm glad you have so much support.
You remain in our prayers. Know that we are here if you ever need someone. Best wishes to you.
Thanks, free. This post was both heart-wrenching and inspiring.
I am glad you are doing well.
On a related note, January might be a good time for a Low Brow caucus.
Keep kicking life in the butt, free!
If you happen to be in Ft. Myers area the end of Feb/beginning of March, I know of a nice beachfront property being rented...
Free, this post hit pretty close to home. Many of the things you mentioned are things I have observed with both my mom and stepmom, who continue to redefine their lives three years after we lost Pops Hayes and Pa. Like you said, you do have to live life regardless of the hand you are dealt, but the strength that endurance requires of someone who loses a spouse is humbling to the close observer. I feel pretty confidant in saying that the way you are carrying yourself is something your kids are always going to remember.
I'm glad to hear you have reconnected with activities you enjoy - it's no substitute (obviously), but it's a consolation to know there are things you very much enjoy doing that make worth living in the now. (I like what you said about your wife's attitude about this, too.)
Others have shared their best wishes, and I echo them with my own. I'll continue to remember you in my prayers.
This helps me to be grateful, which I usually try to be.
It seems a testament to living to the fullest wherever you happen to be in life, and I'm glad it's possible for you.
Thanks for the kind words and support. It's amazing how many people the kids and I have looking out for us. Which is comforting especially with the Holidays coming up.
Sorry Rhu Ru, I'll be in Florida the first week of February, which also means missing Spring Training but man, I got a great deal on airline tickets that week.
Gotta do what you gotta do!
free - thanks for sharing, both during E's illness and passing, and now. As I've said previously, I never met your wife, but your memories of her and the things you've learned from living through this (as opposed to simply surviving it) reveal a loving and amazing relationship; one that's to be appreciated.
Glad to hear that you are coping as best you can. It's all one can do in a situation such as yours.
I'm curious, how have your kids responded to your new friend? I ask because when my SiL started seeing a man (4 years) after my brother (E-2's) death, the situation was met with great resistance by my niece, the youngest of their 4 kids who was in high school at the time. It took her a couple of years to finally warm to the idea. Her three older brothers, on the other hand, were pleased that she had found someone. I might add, he was also a widower (at 50) whose two daughters were equally upset that their father was dating again (about 5 years after his wife passed.) One is still very cold and distant to my SiL--who is as sweet and kind a woman as you are likely to meet. In the meantime, his college-aged son was immediately happy for his father. (I'll add that the two of them have been happily married for about 6 or 7 years now.)
Hope this didn't come across as too personal. I just found the whole situation very interesting, especially as it fell along gender lines.
Fair question. They both have been fine with the idea but both being away at school, they haven't met her yet. Plans are for a meetup sometime over Thanksgiving weekend when they'll both be home. The boy hasn't inquired after I told him. My daughter has asked about her a couple of times (which is pretty standard behavior from both). So I guess ask me again in 10 days.
Thanks for the post, and the perspective.
I've had a couple of major losses in the last several years. At the time they loomed large, and the entire family took a big hit. But then it goes from being something really bad to being a fact, and then it seems like you can move on.
I see the pictures of you on Facebook doing things and I think to myself... good for him. You do your wife great honor by continuing to live your life. As you relate, while she could do that she did. While you can do that, you need to, too.
All my best to you.