Louis C.K. once said that if you're doing it right, parenting is really fucking hard. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but it makes the next hardest thing I've ever done* look like Tic-Tac-Toe.
*For the record, beating Mike Tyson in Punch-Out!!
People will occasionally tell me how hard it must be to be a social worker. I work with people in crazy situations with crazy emotions and there's no dollar figure or spreadsheet that can tell me if I've done a good job or not. Thing is, with social work, all you can do is get the process right. If you do the process right, and the other person fails, that's not on you.* It can't be on you. If it is, it'll drive you insane with self-doubt, second-guessing, guilt, anxiety, and hopelessness. In other words, being a parent.
*Similarly, if the other person succeeds, it's also not on you.
I won't discuss the details in a public forum, but all of these emotions came to a boil when we were told by professionals that our kid is "behind." He's not abnormal, or defective. Just behind. Advanced in some areas! And different. Perfectly okay, but different. "It's not your fault," we keep hearing. Sure, logic knows that. But it's not very satisfying to blame genetics. Or bad luck. Or is it even bad luck?
So we have to work harder to make sure he does well. Well, at least the professionals think so. Studies show certain things help, but it's hard to know for sure. We could do nothing and everything could turn out fine. But it's hard to know for sure. We keep getting told that we're great parents. But, you know, it's hard to know for sure. The only evidence that actually feels real and tangible is that professionals told my parents similar things about me back in 1982. I'm happy with my life. So the transitive property gives me hope. As does my wife and mother-in-law, who are with my son significantly more than I am and helping him navigate the world.
On paper, I'm sure I look like a great parent. But "on paper" doesn't matter when you see your son struggle. That's the thing about loving someone beyond what you ever thought possible. You can't ever divorce yourself from your role in that person. You can't just "trust the process." You feel their good times and you feel their bad times. And whatever life deals them, you can just hope you can have enough influence so they have more of the good times.
This is a common concern by the wife. She is very well informed about developmental milestones and it really bothers her that our son is behind on certain things. As I mentioned yesterday, he had the 15-month wellness check and the pediatrician reassured her he's doing just fine. I think it doesn't help that he's the second-youngest in his ECFE classes and so is being compared to children about six months older than him.
Aquinas is the oldest in all his classes, and so tends to be ahead of everyone else, but that's no comfort to me because I know the benchmark he's being compared to is kids six months younger.
I believe both my kids will be among the youngest in their classes, since they were both late summer births, so that should be fun for them.
My son, though, is behind on most things like growth (below the curve, but his curve is still the same type of shape. Doctors are annoying about this stuff.) and walking and all that. He was six weeks early, though, so we're not exactly worried about it. He did start walking two Sundays ago, but hasn't felt the need to do it since.
My brother was born prematurely and he trailed me in development comparatively by about a year and I was a late bloomer. Now, though, if you slid a piece of construction paper under his feet, we'd be the same height.
That's why most doctors are so annoying about this stuff. We finally found one that didn't care about his position on the growth chart, and she was the frickin PA that is now giving me insurance issues.
The Boy was just below the medians ("behind!") On height and weight well into elementary school. He is over 6' now.
The funny thing about distributions is that somebody has to be below average, unless the variance is zero. Unless your kid is more than 2 std devs below average on something, it probably isn't a big deal.
But we all want to impute our dreams onto our kids. It takes a lifetime to learn to accept them for what they are. I am still working on it.
Height is funny. All our kids now are in the 90% for height (the oldest is more towards 99%). People see me (at 6'3") and say regularly that they see where they get it. I was really short for most of my life, though, and just didn't stop growing until well into college. My wife, on the other hand, is average height now (5'3") but was the tallest in her class until 6th grade or so, when she stopped. I'm really curious to see how our complicating genetics play out.
My daughter is at about 98% in height. Despite being one of the youngest kids in her class, she towers over almost all of them. I'm pretty tall, but I was a late bloomer. My wife is about 5'6, which is not exactly statuesque, but her dad was 6'2, her sister is 5'9 and my sister is 5'10. I think my daughter is actually developing slowly. She was very slow to start losing teeth (not really related, I know), but I think she has a shot to reach 6'. Certainly, I think she'll reach 5'10.
2 standard deviations is where we're at
Ack. In that case, I hope they figure out what is going on quickly -- or decide that it really is nothing to sweat over.
Thanks for sharing this. It reminds me of how some people say, “Oh, he’s perfect!” about a newborn. I know the comment is well intentioned, but I’ve always found it a little odd. After all, none of us are perfect, are we?
When the peperoncino (who is now 17 months) was quite young, he needed physical therapy. We'd go down to the hospital and see a whole variety of kids—and parents—in the waiting room, all dealing with whatever they needed to be dealing with. The peperoncino has actually had a few health issues, and everything is so daunting and frightening in the beginning, when you know something is “off” in some way, but you to know to what extent or what it’s going to mean. Ultimately, every kid is beautiful and we as parents are going to love our kids like crazy whatever the circumstances, but no one wants to be in a situation where the child is facing extra obstacles of any sort.
It sounds like whatever happens with your little guy, he’s lucky to have you as his dad.
My son was most definitely not beautiful a couple weeks in when he stopped eating because of a UTI and dropped down to something like 3-1/2 lbs and was damn near septic. That probably hurt his growth chart and development some, but he's been healthy since and is now quite adorable.
But yeah, I hear you. These early health issues are particularly frightening.
we went through two bouts with the Boy; one in utero (the Mrs was partially dilated; had to go on bedrest for the last 6 weeks before he arrived a couple weeks early) and one after the fact (jaundice). There is nothing more frightening for a husband than a terrified wife.
Re: Crawling, walking, talking, etc.
These things depend on a lot of things, often involving what the kid actually wants to do, how they weigh experimentation vs probability and severity of failure.
AJR, our third, now 4.5 was and continues to be very careful. Before she walked or really stood by herself, I once noticed her practicing falling down. Pulled herself up on the side of the couch, looked behind herself and rolled/fell backwards. She stayed in her crib until she was 3 because she stayed in her crib.
LBR (fourth, 2.5) was out of her crib well before 2 and we put her in her bed right away. She goes without a net at all times. She would have been potty trained more than a year ago if her parents would have let her, but we needed her to stay in her room at night.
HPR was nearly potty trained a few times but recurrent constipation kept requiring us to put his diapers back on. I don't think he was completely out of them until 4.
We had a great doctor when we were new parents, who really stressed that we relax about what each kid can or can't do, or where they are. Are they safe and healthy?
He actually scratched out the percentiles on the check-up forms. He'd look at the curve and say if they were growing good for them. "Looks good," and that was that.
I can weather some uncertainty, especially about things I cannot change, but EAR really cannot. I really took Dr. A.Rz's stuff and helped calm down EAR often.
We switched away from him because a new clinic opened up near us, and really, we didn't need him anymore. We were calm (calmer than some Drs. since). Like Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee, we'd learned what we could and he should go help someone else. If anyone in the Northwest Metro is looking for someone to give them perspective, I've given his initials. He's at the Brookdale Clinic.
Having 5 kids, I've realized that all kids are vastly different. My 11-year-old son is very smart and ahead in many subjects, but he will only do the minimum work. Won't go the extra mile. My 9-year-old daughter is average to below average is most subjects, but she works hard at everything she does and she's in 5 extra-curriculars. My 6-year old daughter is stubborn as a rock, and smart like her brother. My 4-year-old daughter is a hot mess of crazy, and there's never a day that goes by that something hilariously crazy doesn't come out of her mouth. Our 5 month old is still developing, though she has the thighs of a 8 year old.
I try not to worry about where they are developmentally. They're all unique, but I try to emphasize their strengths as best I can. There's too much pressure to conform along a narrow guideline, rather than let kids be kids.
I've been reading this discussion and the one following bS's comment about his daughter and I have so many competing and random thoughts that I don't know where to start.
got cut off...
...For now, I'll just say that Kernel, my three-year-old is stubborn, feisty, high-energy, emotional, sensitive, and really smart. Basically, she has the intellect and vocabulary of a kindergartner with the emotional stability of a toddler/hormonal teenager. Every day is an adventure.
Physically, she's ... well, I have no idea what percentile because I haven't really paid attention to that.* Her pediatrician (who we couldn't be happier with) basically says she's right on target. She's not the tallest in her class, nor is she the shortest, but the age-group is everything from 3 to almost 5 (I think) so it's tough to gauge.
My wife and I are both about average height, but her brothers are both well over 6 ft and many in my extended family are as well.
*I know - easy to do when you haven't been told they're "behind"...
Niblet, the nearly 14 lb. six-week-old*, is already wearing 3-6 mo. clothing and will soon be moving into size 2 diapers. He's a really good eater and has recently started sleeping for 6+ hour stretches. He is nearly the polar opposite of his sister: easy-going, low-key, calm and is happy just sitting and observing. He doesn't like the swing (too fast) but loves his rumble chair and baths. I have no idea if he's smart, but you can see him thinking and he started smiling this week; so "on-target" according to developmental books. Not sure there's much I can say about the development of an infant, but he's healthy and putting on weight, has been holding his head up for a month and doesn't mind tummy-time, has been actively watching us almost since day one and is just as happy being held as being in his chair watching.
*he was a week-and-a-half late, so really coming up on two months.
The take-away: I'll echo what many have said here. Every kid is different. The challenge in our house may well be that Niblet is so much "easier" than his big sister that my wife and I are both trying to make sure that we don't slip into straight-up comparisons and unintended preferential treatment. Kernel is an awesome kid and is so stinkin' stubborn that we know she will succeed in whatever she decides to do. We just have to survive long enough to help her figure that part out.