The apartment complex has finally sent us a letter about why it took so long to approve us (they couldn't find my credit history) despite me calling the background check team twice to explicitly explain this to apathetic dudes who assured me there was no problem ("hey, so I haven't used credit since 2004").
No problem, guys. I'm cool with white-knuckling my living situation because you can't be bothered to take a couple of notes.
John Oliver just did a piece on the ridiculousness of credit checks.
Maybe if he was confused with someone else it would have helped here.
I see this now. Spooky (or anyone else), if you're ever having problems with rental housing (as either landlords or tenants), I'm more than happy to help.