April 11, 2013

Mood: 🙁 Despondent

Music: Fallout Boy - My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)

Baseball is a cruel mistress and I just don't know if it’s even worth it anymore. I was so excited to be healthy for the start of the season and to be in the major league rotation. Now I feel like my Career is at a crossroads. I know it's just a forearm strain but what if I never heal? I am doing my rehab and the trainer says I'm doing good. I've heard that Coach Gardenhire wants me back in the rotation because he "likes my stuff." But this is so hard.

When I got put on the Disabled List I got a text from an unknown number that said "LOL i told u ur throwing motion sucks hav fun gettin tommy john." I knew right away that it was from A*** B******. I showed it to Brian and he said “that fat f*** is gonna be out of the majors in a week,” and then yesterday he showed me on a website that Alex just got Designated For Assignment by the Blue Jays. So I guess I get the last laugh. But what if he is right and I do need Tommy John? Then he gets the last laugh. And I might never laugh again.

Brian keeps telling me that I should just relax and start enjoying the Big League lifestyle until I am healthy again. But he just means Girls when he says that. I don’t think my heart is ready for girls, there is too much pain going on in my soul. I have been listening to a lot of Goth music lately and it is opening me up to my own pain and sorrow. But maybe I could find a girl with similar Darnkess in her heart and we could share our pain together. I guess that might be nice. Maybe I will ask Brian if he knows any girls who have pain and darkness in their souls. I searched the google for “Goth+Girls+Pain” and the results made me really nervous, so maybe I am not Ready.

I guess all I can do now is support my Teammates and hope this darkness doesn’t overwhelm me completely. The Guys got a little off track in Kansas City, and I wonder if my dark spirit is a distraction in the clubhouse. I hope not because I think the team has what it takes to make a deep run we just have to believe in ourselves. But it is hard to believe in Ourselves when my heart is telling me to believe in nothing.

Until next time,

Xx_Cole_38_xX