It's been a hell of a year. My wife's grandfather, my cousin's baby, and my sister all passed away. My mother-in-law has cancer (treatable, sounds like it'll be OK, but a couple scary weeks). I left my job. Oh, and we added a third child in May. Sorry for bringing all that up again... sometimes I feel like it's all I talk about.
I'm sure my kids wonder sometimes too. They've been exposed to some big things this year, and they ask some good questions. We've had to have a number of hard conversations with our kids - especially our 5 year old - about they way the world is, why things happen like they do, etc. We've tried not to shy away from the tough answers, but always try to keep a focus on the positive. I know sometimes we slip and give more trite responses, but usually we've done pretty well explaining birth (well, not so much the causes thereof...), death, employment stress, joblessness, etc. And they seem to have done a pretty good job with their processing of the information.
Through each of these moments, sharing the reality of the situation with my kids has helped me too. One of the things that made me feel best about losing my job was when I explained to my son that I had been unhappy working there, and so leaving it was a good thing. I let him know there might be some changes and stress around home, or that we might have to move when I find something (or, I suppose, if I don't find something) but that I would find a new job and we'd all be happier for it. He thought it sounded good, and came up with some of his own positives, like now I could spend more time helping him color.
When my sister died, he was at the hospital. He asked if he could go see her body, and we let him. There were a lot of questions for a few weeks, about life, death, and the afterlife. We're a family of faith, so we talked to him about heaven, letting him know that we don't really have any specific knowledge about it, but that we have faith God takes care of us. Every once in a while there's a new question that pops up - the other day it was about whether animals go to heaven - and so we can tell they're still processing all this information. Heck, I suppose I still am too.
I've wondered at times if I'm doing the right thing by having these conversations with my kids. My parents didn't peel back the curtain on adulthood nearly as early as we are. At the same time, I'm still trying to shield my kids from some of the more trying items, and focus on positive aspects. My hope is that my willingness to talk about big things with them - no matter how young they are - will help them be open with me too.
How about it, citizens? What's your approach to tough conversations with your kids? How did it change as they got older? I'm still stuck with pre-school kids, so I'd imagine school adds all sorts of wrinkles. How much is too much when they're so young? Where have I already gone wrong?
Also, I've been wanting to have these posts feature music that is played for kids. So here's one my favorites for my kids, and when it's your turn, you should share one too!
httpv://youtu.be/4EiU9pTweyw
At three, we haven't had too many "hard conversations" with Kernel, even though in the past year we've lost her Nanna to cancer and added a baby brother to the mix. Mostly we keep it simple and do our best to answer questions honestly but without too much specificity. She's bright, and for a toddler, her vocabulary is pretty impressive. Even so, connecting the dots about what the things she knows mean in relation to the things she doesn't can be exciting, overwhelming, amusing (to us), scary and confusing, all at the same time. Beyond that, the concept of how words that describe or represent things - especially the intangible things like love, heaven, death, new life, etc. - interact with each other is beyond her capacity to understand (and often beyond our capacity to explain).
Generally, if I can't figure out a way to explain something to her in a manner that I'm comfortable with, I don't bring it up. She doesn't really ask questions about the tough stuff yet, but did ask me what happened to those buildings (downtown skyscrapers) this morning. I could not figure out what she was talking about and she started getting irritated. I stopped her, and asked her what she meant - describe what had caught her eye so that I could understand what she wanted to know about those buildings. She said they were "missing" and "where are they?" ... when I looked at them again, what she was describing was that the tops of them were shrouded and obscured by low-lying clouds. I was really impressed, described heavy, dense clouds and what overcast meant and then told her how good her eyes were for seeing that something was different. It was a pretty cool moment.
In my life, my mother was (is) a public health nurse who did some basic sex education in the public schools from time to time. Being a family of faith, those in my household were taught abstinence as the 'only' choice, but were made aware of birth control measures and the like while leaning heavily on the fear of teenage pregnancy and STD's to enhance the appeal of abstinence. It was a tough spot for her, but the dichotomy in the message, "Don't have sex until you're married, but if you do, use a condom." did not engender a sense of trust or understanding in an immature, hormone-driven teenage boy.
Alcohol use was similarly presented and I still haven't figured that one out - "Don't drink alcohol because our family has a history of alcoholism, but if you do, drink in moderation." They weren't big drinkers so there was rarely alcohol in the house. I feel that exhaustive discussion of the dangers of alcohol abuse and absolutely no modeling of responsible alcohol use is not the way to teach anyone how to, "drink in moderation," especially immature teenage boys who's prime directive seems to be to do exactly the opposite of whatever their parents tell them to do.
If you have alcohol addiction, drinking in moderation isn't good advice.
My parents never told us not to smoke or drink too much or wait for sex. They did tell us about all the stupid mistakes they made. We decided not to copy theirs.
My parents didn't tell us about the stupid mistakes they made until well after it would have made any difference in my choices.
I should clarify though, they weren't saying drink in moderation if you have alcohol addiction, they were saying, "Be aware that our family has a history of alcohol addiction so you shouldn't drink." And later, when it became apparent that I was drinking, "If you choose to drink, do so in moderation." I'm no dope, I knew what that was, but putting it into practice was something else entirely. Few of my friends, high school & college party or Navy experiences (or other cultural influences) made any compelling arguments that binge drinking wasn't fun. Even the "bad" experiences were in many ways celebrated. My parent's opportunity to influence my choices was long gone by the time they tried to offer guidance.
geez, that whole No! is great kids fare.
Always a good practice to be honest with children. Also a good practice to filter that honesty accordingly.
I haven't had to deal with any tough conversations yet. Even the whole "new baby" thing was met without any issues that needed explaining, although "you have to be more gentle when playing with him" isn't sinking in as well as I'd hoped.
The trinket seems really, really inquisitive, constantly asking questions about things so I think some things are coming sooner than later. On that tangent, though, I will say that an inquisitive three year old is a very trying thing on a dad's patience. I do my best to answer every question she asks, though, even if she already asked it or won't stop follow-up questions because I don't want her to ever feel ashamed about that inquisitiveness.
What are you going to say when she asks what is the difference between dark metal and metal core bands?
I'm pre-emptively taking care of that when she's out helping me brew, since you can't make beer without music. I'm still waiting on the nu-metal discussion, though.
You know she's gonna break your heart when she says that she kinda likes Metallica's Black Album.
also, when she hits (or even approaches!) puberty, all your earnest training is going to be thrown out the window anyway.
I could probably handle that since I pretty much got my start thinking Re-Load was a pretty good album. Also, the hottest thing in metal these days is female-fronted symphonic metal, so it may be a little easier to show her the light. Of course, my wife basically undoes all of it daily by listening to top 40 radio in the car, so, as bS says, it's probably a lost cause.
I had my copy of Re-Load stolen out of my Dorm Room. (Biggest loss? I also had Veruca Salt's Blow It Out Your A$$ disc in the case.)
I never re-purchased it. I still have Load and Ride the Lightening on CD, and the black album on cassette.
Given the choice between the other radio metal of the day (GnR, Skid Row, Jackyll, Damn Yankees IIRC), I'll still pick the the black album seven days a week (and twice on Sundays).
(OK, I'd listen to Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 now and then so I can remember which were the good songs and which weren't. So, it basically holds the same place in my mind as the white album. [Remember, I'm not a fan.])
We just put our 12-year-old golden to sleep on Tuesday. She had 12 really wonderful years followed by 36 brutal hours. The wife and I are crushed and my 11-year-old is sad but holding his own. We've tried to open up conversations and discussion about the kids' feelings, but the response has been quite a shock. My 3-year-old thinks the vet is Doc McStuffins and we'll be bringing the dog home any day now good as new. The 6-year-old seems to have had no reaction at all and my 8-year-old wants to know when we will be getting a new dog.
I was anticipating a lot of tough questions with plenty of tears, but, so far, nothing's coming our way, even when we try to open up dialogue. I suppose the youngest three just don't have a firm grasp.
my sympathies for the loss, UW. Dogs (and cats) for most of us are members of the family. Always hard to tell how kids will react.
Thanks, bS. Not going to lie, this has been one tough week.
Not looking forward to that moment. We have a golden and a beagle, both 10-years-old, at home. I'm hoping they both stay healthy for their remaining years and then we lose them simultaneously in less than 36 hours (not sure either one will last long without the other; they've been sharing a kennel for 9+ years). They're both outside dogs so my 3-year-old knows them but doesn't interact with them except for about 30 minutes per day. I have no idea how she'll respond when they pass.
[edit] also - sorry to hear about your loss Walt.
Thanks. You know, it's probably for the best. She didn't suffer much at all. On Sunday, my brother brought his golden over to the house and the two dogs were running around chasing tennis balls. Sunday night wasn't a good night. I stayed home from work on Monday to keep an eye on her and she didn't improve. Monday night wasn't any better and she was gone by noon on Tuesday. The whirlwind was head-spinning.
I'll echo bS and CoC on being sorry for your loss, UW.
I told the story here, but I had to put down one of our dogs two summer's ago (because of aggression, but health) and it was not my favorite thing. Our cocker is 9, but her health is good and I believe cockers have a pretty good life span. As tough as it was to put down the dog that bit the shit out of me, I'm a little terrified of what it'll be like when this one nears the end. I'll be completely devastated.
So sorry about your dog, UW. For what it's worth, I've heard really good things about the children's book The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst. Description:
Oh, and I just remembered. Here's an interesting interview with a grief counselor about talking to young children about death.
(Cute kid story, riffing on this. I'm not trying to make light of actual loss from real long-time family pets.)
My 4yo AJR apparently loved a balloon dog to death a few weeks ago.
My older two put on a funeral for it, burying it in the backyard with a bit of the balloon taped to a piece of cardboard as a gravestone.
My 8yo HPR made a drawing (with orange crayon filling in the balloon) of it for her to remember with. It's labelled "Ruf the Bloon".
I've gotta remember to take pics of it.
Thanks for the kind words and links, folks. I was indeed devastated. One at least somewhat positive is there really wasn't choice or a decision to be made. There was no procedure that would have fixed her. Her body just gave out.
Great topic, Philo. This is one area where I’m consciously trying to do things differently than my parents did. I was a sensitive child, and I think they sheltered me too much. Not that they never told me about bad things happening, but I didn’t have a lot of bad things happen to me in my early years (no close relatives dying, for example) and they chose not to bring me or my sister to funerals or talk much about them. When I was 17, a coworker ran away from home and was shot and killed by police, and I didn’t even know how to react or what to do. Not that anyone will ever be prepared for something like that, but I’m hoping to raise my kids with some sort of awareness from an early age that bad things can happen—even to those we know and love.
I try to have honest conversations with the jalapeno (age 4) about difficult things as they come up. The other night I was telling him about the bombing of Nagasaki during WWII (this isn’t quite as random as it seems), and it was tough. “Why does your voice sound funny?” he asked. My tears started to overflow, and I tried to tell him about how war is sad and sometimes it’s not easy to talk people being hurt and killed. Then we talked a little about how it’s okay to cry sometimes.
Now, fortunately we don’t have conversations like this every day, or I’d be a wreck.
11yo CER is a "sensitive child" (AJR at 4 probably can watch suspenseful scenes in movies than CER can at 11)
She's been worrying too hard about Ebola. We typically don't watch
any TVthe news, so she's going on her weekly interactions with other kids at American Heritage Girls and Religious Education.I don't know what else to add.
I don't want to start watching the news (as their incentives aren't really to diminish fear).
I don't want her to see stuff on how kids are kidnapped or mistreated so that she becomes afraid of strangers. (I want her to be careful, yes, but that's different. See the above comments about "sensitive".) Kidnappings and murders etc are at the lowest they've been for decades and all. (I feel I'm going off topic here. I'm a wanna-be free-range father dealing with a fairly balanced wife and in-laws that would rather we lock the kids up than a stranger talk to them...)
I saw a link to an article "Myths about Ebola" and got excited for a minute that I could share it with her until I read it and saw it was political.
Maybe this article would be of more use for easing her mind?
I remember being in second grade and being TERRIFIED of Muammar Gaddafi based on what I heard on the news (we watched the national news while eating dinner) and seeing him on the cover of Time magazine. I was sure that WWIII was about to begin. Not sure I ever actually told my parents about that fear, now that I think about it. I completely agree that TV news is that it's not designed to diminish fear.
You must have never seen the "Walk Like an Egyptian" video. No one who did that dance could be too scary.
I don't know whether the NPR info-graphic going around about the odds of getting Ebola would be helpful or not to try to show to a youngster. As we know, adults are highly resistant to credible information that contradicts their personal biases in certain circumstances. Confirmation bias and loss aversion are real things.
With kids, I think the same processes apply, just amplified.