I have been a father for 5 months and 10 days. With that said I think it is fair for me to say that I am one of the least qualified people here to make any comments on parenting.  Then again for the past year, since we knew we were expecting, other people have been telling me how to raise my kid.

Those people really tick me off.  It is with that in mind that each time I am up to write a fatherhood column here on the WGOM  I will present something  I will do if I ever add to my herd. This will be directly influenced by what I did wrong with the Calf. So take my write ups to be what not to do with your children.

First off, I am going to see to it that our unborn child, herein known to as Kirby, sleeps in his crib from the first night. When the calf was born we weren't really sure where to put him down for sleep. All we knew that was wherever we laid him down he was going to wake up every two hours. So, we did what was easiest for us. Of the many hand me down baby items we received for the Calf he seemed to fall asleep best in his Calming Vibrations Chair.  So we set the chair up on the coffee table next to the couch in our living room and let him sleep there. Since he woke up every two hours anyway, I would just stay up until around 1am, wake up Ms Buffalo and then she would sleep on the couch, feeding him and changing his as necessary until around 6am when I would begin getting ready for work.  She would sneak in about a hour nap and then take care of him until I got home for work.  Rise, lather, repeat.

At about two months the Calf got a little bigger he began sleeping though the night-- assuming he was in his chair. I mean 10-12 hours straight though. After being awoken every two hours by a crying baby this was a revelation. We got to share a bed again. Now, we love our baby but it was nice to be able to snuggle up in our hay stack once again so we just let him stay in his chair. We didn't want to jinx it.

At around three months the Calf  kept growing, as children are wont to do. We commented on how he was getting bigger and bigger and before you know it he wouldn't be able to sleep in his chair much longer. We had a bassinet that we would try to put in our room but it just wouldn't take. He had to sleep in his chair. We joked about how he couldn't spend the rest of his life sleeping on a coffee table. Ms Buffalo thought this quip  to be especially funny because there may or not be a photograph of me in my early twenties sleeping on a coffee table.  Either way, we figured it was best to not ruin a good thing and we had better let him just sleep in his Calming Vibrations.  We did however take the batteries out of the chair. He didn't seem to mind and I was happy to not be spending money on batteries anymore.

When he crossed the four month barrier he was over two feet tall and closing in on 20 pounds. His chair is graded for 25 pounds so we were starting to get a little bit worried. We would give him his bath, feed him, put him down in his Calming No-Longer Vibrations Chair, let him get to sleep and try to carry him into the crib. This lasted for about three nights as we soon decided, screw it, let's just let him sleep in his stupid chair. I don't want to keep getting up out of bed.

5 months has now come and gone and the kid still won't sleep anywhere except this stupid chair. His butt is on the ground in it. It doesn't even bounce anymore. He has gotta be at least 22 pounds now and this chair is no longer practical for sleeping.

With that said I just spent the last four hours trying to get him to sleep in his crib before remembering that I had to write a a column about being a dad for the WGOM.  As you would imagine, I put him into his Calming- I Don't Vibrate, Bounce, or Do Anything Anymore- Chair and he fell right asleep. I am sure that he will sleep for the next 8 hours.

So remember above when I said other parents giving advice is a pain in my neck? Yeah, I take it all back. If anyone has any tips on how to make a kid sleep in his crib I am all ears.