Louis C.K. once said that if you're doing it right, parenting is really fucking hard. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but it makes the next hardest thing I've ever done* look like Tic-Tac-Toe.
*For the record, beating Mike Tyson in Punch-Out!!
People will occasionally tell me how hard it must be to be a social worker. I work with people in crazy situations with crazy emotions and there's no dollar figure or spreadsheet that can tell me if I've done a good job or not. Thing is, with social work, all you can do is get the process right. If you do the process right, and the other person fails, that's not on you.* It can't be on you. If it is, it'll drive you insane with self-doubt, second-guessing, guilt, anxiety, and hopelessness. In other words, being a parent.
*Similarly, if the other person succeeds, it's also not on you.
I won't discuss the details in a public forum, but all of these emotions came to a boil when we were told by professionals that our kid is "behind." He's not abnormal, or defective. Just behind. Advanced in some areas! And different. Perfectly okay, but different. "It's not your fault," we keep hearing. Sure, logic knows that. But it's not very satisfying to blame genetics. Or bad luck. Or is it even bad luck?
So we have to work harder to make sure he does well. Well, at least the professionals think so. Studies show certain things help, but it's hard to know for sure. We could do nothing and everything could turn out fine. But it's hard to know for sure. We keep getting told that we're great parents. But, you know, it's hard to know for sure. The only evidence that actually feels real and tangible is that professionals told my parents similar things about me back in 1982. I'm happy with my life. So the transitive property gives me hope. As does my wife and mother-in-law, who are with my son significantly more than I am and helping him navigate the world.
On paper, I'm sure I look like a great parent. But "on paper" doesn't matter when you see your son struggle. That's the thing about loving someone beyond what you ever thought possible. You can't ever divorce yourself from your role in that person. You can't just "trust the process." You feel their good times and you feel their bad times. And whatever life deals them, you can just hope you can have enough influence so they have more of the good times.
