Category Archives: Parentgood

Parentgood

Parentgood: In Defense Of Large Families

33 Comments

Alright, the title is a bit misleading. I don't feel any need to defend large families, or that they've been denigrated here, or anything like that. I was just trying to draw some eyeballs. And let me state at the outset that I, much like others before me, don't in any way think there is a "right way" to do families. Everyone is different, it takes all kinds, and I've no reason or desire to judge the way anyone else does it.

The last few Parentgood posts have been, in some way or another, about not-having kids. There was the having of someone else's kid, the not-going-to-have-them, and the prepping for an empty nest. All were much appreciated perspectives. So I thought maybe I'd just offer a little bit of my experience, since it's noticeably different from those previous entries. Quite obviously this isn't going to be the thing for everyone, (again, to each their own, and no one should condemn anyone's choices in this realm), but I thought maybe I could shed a little light on life in a big family.

First, I am the oldest of 13 children. So I have some insight into truly big families. Second, I have 4 kids of my own. Not exactly a big family, but certainly not a small one by the going standards. (As an aside, we'd be open to more, but that might not be the possibility we once thought it was. Doctors visits are pending, and prayers are appreciated. But not what this post is about.).

One of the things that stands out to me most about being part of a big family is that there's a certain generosity of spirit that is more or less required. The family motto is "there's always room for one more" and we really carry that out. We had 50 people at Thanksgiving dinner, and we've had bigger. There's always enough because everyone is always giving, contributing to the common cause. Indeed, my parents are the most generous people I've ever met. They are far from well off - we spent much of my youth as considerably poor - but the amount they give surpasses anyone else I've known. And I suppose that's especially true in the Biblical "widow who gave her last two coins" sense.

A more quirky aspect of the large family is that nearly everything is a large production. You can't have a get together without it being an event. You can't do an outing without it being involved. I still carry the habit of sliding to the back of a group and counting the heads of everyone in front of me. Just the role of the oldest, I guess. But with this comes a real feeling of accomplishment. Admit it: if you successfully took a dozen people to the zoo or hosted a 30 person bonfire, you'd feel pretty good about yourself. That's just a regular weekend in a huge family, so you learn some real skills, and to feel good about them.

It's also amazing to have such a wonderful support system. Whenever we need help, family is there. That's been true of little things like a couch to crash on or painting a room, and that's been true of big things, like a dentist sister who can do a root canal or planning a benefit for my nephew who was born with half a heart. That support is also amazing for dealing with the emotional baggage we all face. Grief, especially, has hit us hard these past years with a couple of deaths in the immediate family. But we're all there to help each other pull through, to provide support and comfort, and that system is amazing.

Sometimes there is a sense that with big families you don't really get to know your siblings, or that you're not as close, or, most horrible: that there is a finite amount of love to be had, so it gets spread thinner. Nothing could be further from the truth. My siblings and I all know each other really well. We're incredibly close, and, if anything, that love in the family is multiplied, not spread thin.

Finally, I want to talk about being a parent of a bigger family. I take it as an acceptable premise that a person's identity changes in some way when they become a parent for the first time. I don't know too many parents, if any, who wouldn't acknowledge that. I remember a conversation with a good friend after we both became parents for the first time, and we both expressed how much better we understood life, now that we were parents. We understood our parents, we understood love, we understood God, and so many other things in such a better way.

For me, there was a somewhat similar experience when I went from having 2 kids to having 3. Somehow, something about having a third kid, where you could no longer split them off, one to each parent, shifted my identity again. I became less of a parent and more of a family man. Yes, I am still a parent to individual children, and I have that relationship with them still, but there's a larger family sense that I'm more vividly aware of now that I have a larger brood. There are things I try to do "for the family" now, in a way maybe I only did "for Aquinas" or "for Aristotle" prior to Neitzsche's arrival. I'm more aware of the way in which the kids are interacting with each other, and how one kid's experiences are affecting the others.

Honestly, it's really cool. And really humbling. I became more of a servant when I had my third kid than I ever was before. And I like that. Now, I know it's not for everyone. But given my experience, it's something I'd recommend to those on the fence. I know I'm better for it.

Parentgood

Preparing for an empty nest

14 Comments

This post may be a bit less about parenting, and more about being a spouse.  A few years back my marriage felt the aftershocks of numerous friend couples getting divorced.  To some degree, several of these divorces were affected by some degree by "empty nest syndrome".   Like anything in our lives, preparation is so important when any life changing event happens.

I remember when "the couple who will never break up" told us they were getting a divorce.  They never mentioned empty nesting, but reading between the lines it was there.  It threw me into a panic.  I thought "What happens when our kids move out?  Will our marriage survive?"  I thought about if for a while and then approached my wife.   We have a good marriage, but do have our occasional fights.  The topic freaked my wife out.  "Why would you want to talk about a potential split?" she asked.  Once we both settled down, we talked about expectations we each have after the kids fly the coop.

Her expectations:  "We will get to spend much more time together.  We never get time together now, and it will be nice to see you much more often."

My expectations:   "Yes, I get to spend more one-on-one time with you, but I also look forward to spending more time pursuing  interests I have mostly set aside the past 15+ years.  Golfing, fishing, fast-pitch softball (old-timer league), etc."

The result of this conversation has led to a 2 year journey of exploring what our relationship will look like.  My biggest discovery is just how much my wife has poured into this family.  I took much of it for granted.   Her absolute dedication to pouring all her time, energy and attention into our family is amazing.  She has, for the most part, disconnected with many of her friends over the years.  She does have hockey mom, soccer mom friends, but only spent time with them during sporting events.   Me?  I kept many of the friendships on a thin life line.  I still found ways to visit my friends or vice versa.

I also hadn't given much thought to the depth of the mother/child bond.   I do love and adore my children, but I did not give birth to them and my wife just has a deeper need to stay connected.  I already miss my college freshman son deeply, but it is nothing compared to what my wife is going through.  It has been very hard on her not to see him every day and not to care for him every day.  With only one of two gone, I am already finding myself spending more time helping her with these feelings and doing what I can to become a better husband to her.  More than ever she needs me and I have to be there for her.  And... that leads me to what I think is the answer (at least for us) to surviving empty nest syndrome.

In my business, I have always said that adversity leads to opportunity.   If a guest at our restaurant hates the food we serve, we rush in and make it right.  Remake it, try something else, buy the meal, whatever it takes to make them happy.  Turns an unhappy guest into a customer who knows you care, who knows you stand by your product, who knows you listen and value honest feedback.  I can make that person a regular guest who will come back and sing our praises to the community.

In my marriage, the adversity of sending our children away has led me to a point where I need to be a better husband.  I need to be a better friend.  I need to go the extra mile to make her happy.  I need to listen to her as she voices her thoughts, fears, frustrations, hopes and dreams.   Yeah, I am sure I will get more time chasing my other interests, but that will be the result of building a stronger marriage.  During this tough transition,  my primary goal has to be supporting and loving my wife and helping her cope.   For her part, my wife has taken a very similar approach.  This adversity is an opportunity for us to grow closer.

Words of wisdom to those beginning, or in the middle of, the great parenting project:

I used to shake my head at couples who would get a baby sitter and go out a couple times a month as a couple or with friends.  We rarely did that as we were laser focused on our kids and their happiness.  Looking back, we should have done that more.  We should have been enjoying our relationship more.   We should have skipped some youth games and enjoyed life more.   Being a great parent is an important goal in life, but can never supersede the goal of being a great husband or wife.  Or... look at it this way:  Strong parenting is built upon a solid base of a strong and loving spousal relationship.

Not sure if this will all be helpful to all of you, but it sure has helped me to write this all down and process where our relationship is at during a challenging time.  Thank you all for the opportunity to share.

 

Parentgood

Father Knows Best – Not the Papa

6 Comments

So, eighteen months ago, one of the couples I am friends with had a child. I was 35 at the time, and while I had other friends who had children, this was the first couple in my closest group of friends to have a child. I suppose here is where I should maybe mention that he’s named after another friend and I.

J & I are child free by choice. J had never wanted children; I was petty ambivalent about it growing up. In 2010 I had a vasectomy, much to my mother’s chagrin. She assumed we would change our mind at some point I guess. I’d always told her, and continue to tell her, that we will be the cool aunt and uncle, but raising children just really isn’t for us.

In the last several months I have spent quite a bit of time with these friends and their boy, who I guess I will call Dub Z. Before he was born, my friends talked a lot about how they wanted us to be like uncles to Dub Z. I think I have hit that point in his eyes. His parents say he talks about me all the time when I am not there, and he gets real excited when I come to visit. I’ve grown pretty close to him and feel that we are good presences in each other’s lives. Even though I've never felt like fatherhood is something that I must do, I have to admit that watching him grow and change and bond with me is a really great feeling.

I've had two major realizations as a result of all this.

The first is that folks, like my mother, who wonder how or why J & I don't want kids, seem shocked that I am close with Dub Z. I don't really understand this line of thinking? Neither of us don't want children because we hate kids or something. I have pretty severe anxiety in groups of people, and being around children can definitely stress me out (they don't behave like adults so the same coping mechanisms I apply don't work!) but that doesn't mean I hate them. The things that I want out of life, personally, will be easier to obtain without children. I've been told by my mom (and others!) that this is selfish, but I think the truly selfish act would be having children that I am not fully prepared for. And I'm definitely not. But that doesn't mean that I can't go hang out with a kiddo and his parents and share my life with him a little bit. Honestly, the opportunity to instill a young boy with positive values is huge, and I want to take every advantage of that I can.

And that brings me to the second point. While spending this time with him is great, and I make every effort do so as often as I can, it has reinforced my belief that being a parent is not the right life for me. Raising kids is a ton of work! I'm pretty constantly in awe of the ways my friends have been able to adapt to parenthood. And I know that those types of adaptations are ones which I am not really capable of. For an example, Dub Z has recently started potty training, so my friends spent a lot of time checking in with him to make sure he doesn't need to poop or pee. I will literally sit at my desk until I'm in pain because I forget to go to the bathroom unless my body reminds me. I'm not sure I'd be a great teacher or example here!

With all that said, I think that our arrangement works out pretty well. I stop by basically every Saturday that I am home and we have low key hangouts together. We make a dinner plan as a group, and I try to bring over a treat for them. They get to have conversations with an adult, and they don't have to worry about me being weird or uncomfortable around Dub Z. It's not how I expected to be spending my weekends when I was younger, but it's pretty great.

Now that you've all read my ramblings, I'll ask you for a little bit of advice. I'd like to set aside a little money for Dub Z to use towards school when he graduates, and share my relative good fortune with him. I'm not super comfortable talking to his folks about it; I think they would appreciate it, but I also don't want to make them uncomfortable in some way. I also don't want to create some sort of tax burden or liability for them, especially if it impacts his ability to get financial aid. Bonds or something seem simplest but I'm open to any good ideas. I've got another 16 years to get things sorted, but I'd like to start sooner rather than later, and hopefully help get his adult life a solid start.

Parentgood

My wife is pregnant. It’s not mine…

18 Comments

…. and it’s not hers, either.  She is acting as a surrogate for someone else.  

We initially signed up to do this without knowing who the intended parent would be.  We (mostly she, but I had to some of this) signed on with an agency, expecting this would be for someone we had never met before.  But, when she started telling some of her friends about this, one said she had been in the process of looking for a surrogate, and asked if my wife would do it for her.  So, in the end, the intended parent will be someone we know, and are friends with.  That’s been nice, to get to see her excitement and anticipation grow as we get closer.  The baby mamma’s parents are also super excited; the mom is an only child, so this will likely be their only grandchild.  It’s definitely a nice feeling, knowing that all we are putting into this is going to cause such happiness for someone else.  The ones that want some expert advice on early pregnancy can look these up here and get talking to doctors.

She’s due on November 1, so about 6 weeks left.  That means that it’s really, really obvious she is pregnant, so of course we get lots of comments from random people all the time*.   Depending on the question and the situation, my wife will often respond that the baby is not ours, which leads to reactions in two main categories:

  1. Wow, that’s so amazing!  What a gift to give someone!  You are so awesome!
  2. Wow, I could never do that because...
    1. pregnancy was awful for me, I can’t imagine doing that again for someone else
    2. it would be too much like giving up my own baby.  Won’t it be hard to birth a baby and then give it up right away?

For 2.1, my wife had very easy pregnancies for both of our kids.  And so far, everything is going fine this time.  She’s getting more and more uncomfortable, but nothing more than the usual third trimester issues (back pain, swollen legs and ankles, exhausted, sore all over, etc.). It is best to visit the website of the "eat lift mom", which covers completely about how one should be in each trimester and what should be done to stay fit and strong during pregnancy.

And for 2.2, it really hasn’t been a problem for us at all.  This has never been our child, so it’s not like we are giving away our own kid.  Some of that is having no genetic connection; this was IVF, with the intended mother’s egg and donor sperm.  But I think more of it is just the mindset that it isn’t our baby.  When we started this, I was a little worried how our kids would respond to this, but they seem to completely understand that this is not our baby.  They say momma is growing a baby for someone else.  It’s kind of like babysitting, just for a long time (and internally instead of externally, but sort of alike at least).

It’s a new situation for us, but not in a bad way.  It does feel a bit weird to be dealing with a pregnancy and preparing for a birth, while not at all preparing for a baby.  It’s not like we need to be getting a room ready, or setting up a crib, or getting baby clothes, or anything else.  The intended mom is doing all that, of course, but that’s not our job.  Once the baby comes, our part of this is done.

I don’t know for sure if we’ll do it again for someone else, but that’s definitely a strong possibility, depending on how this last month and a half goes.  I know agencies are always very interested in having women with previous surrogacy experience do it again.  That way, the biggest worry the intended parent could have (that you’d run off with their kid to a state with less favorable surrogacy laws [like Michigan; if you birth a baby there, it’s legally yours] before it’s born and keep it for yourself) gets allayed a bit.

Overall, so far so good.  We’ve been very happy with it, the new intended family is super excited, and all the pains and problems my wife has had (both during the pregnancy, and the many, many hormone shots at the beginning of all this) have been as expected.  I know doing this is not something for everyone, but based on how well this has gone, I think it really is something for us.

 

*I don’t really understand why seeing a woman that appears to be pregnant makes strangers feel that they have a right to ask invasive, personal questions.  I personally don’t mind all that much, and I don’t think my wife does, either, but I’m sure there are others in different circumstances that would.

Parentgood

FKB: “No, I’m Not Listening”

11 Comments

No announcements (sorry!)

Newbish is three now. All through the terrible twos, people told us that three would be worse. Credit where it's due, these people were correct. Newbish is generally a delightful kid - courteous, caring and very, very smart. He's also strong willed as hell, and while I generally find that to be a positive (I'd rather he stand up for what he thinks than to simply follow along and do what he's told), it would be really, really nice if he would occasionally just LISTEN.

Voice raising does nothing, and positive reinforcement hasn't been particularly successful. Right now, the only way we can get him to stop in his tracks and pay attention to what we're saying is to threaten to take away something he cares a great deal about (his favorite toy or his favorite blanket usually do the trick). Otherwise, he's basically a terminator - can't be bargained with, can't be reasoned with, and doesn't know pain or fear. Now, I love threatening my kid as much as the next guy, but I have to wonder if there might be a better way to accomplish this.

Every kid is obviously different, and any advice you give might end up not working, but I'd love to hear any tips or tricks you folks have used in the past to get your little ones to pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth for 5 seconds.

(The title is obviously a quote. If we're able to break through for a second, he's usually able to realize that he's not listening......that realization is usually fleeting)

Parentgood

Resilience & Self-Care

32 Comments

I ate a bánh mì for lunch yesterday. The first time I ate one, I was in my mid-twenties, and I instantly fell in love. A sausage bánh mì was the last thing I ate before the Poissonnier was born. Few foods make me feel as happy to be alive. At noon yesterday, taking a walk across campus to the food cart that sells them seemed like a good idea, so I invited a colleague along. We chatted as we walked — our conversation wandered across & back around his childhood experiences in a Hmong refugee camp in Thailand and our shared love of food. Given the news that broke early in the afternoon, I'm glad I had that bánh mì & conversation to sustain me.

There's plenty of evidence all around us to support the observation that resilience is a crucial, but very fragile, personal resource. It can erode in an hour under the wrong conditions, and it can often be tempting to allocate the time needed to maintain resilience to other activities & duties that seem more pressing. And yet, it’s a horrible thing to be caught without when you most need it.

Over the last year, I've tried to be more mindful of my resilience. I'm not always successful. But I also realized last year that I needed to make changes, and that I needed to accept a certain amount of failure as part of maintaining my resilience.

That has meant doing some things differently. Without cutting myself off from the world, I am progressively placing greater limits on my daily exposure to certain kinds of input. I'm trying to cultivate a few habits intended to help me find a more empathetic, thoughtful way to navigate the world. I'm learning to exercise more patience; a two year old can be a very effective workout buddy some days.

At the same time, I’m not approaching this effort as one of self-improvement. I’m not claiming I’m perfect, mind you — instead, I’m trying not to get hung up on the imperfections I’m all too aware of already. Dealing with my shortcomings through a judgmental deficit model, rather than one that is more focused around care & healing, was simply creating more negative judgment, anxiety, and discontent. Piling all my personal shortcomings up beneath the pressures of family and professional life, and then dumping all the anger & resentment I feel about the direction my state, the country, & society is going, meant my reactions were becoming progressively more unhealthy and self-compounding. I’d been doing that since 2011, and it just wasn’t working anymore. Looking at the Poissonnier, I knew I didn’t want to wind up taking any of that out on her one day.

I’ll specify some of the things I’m trying in a LTE below. That’s a more appropriate place for me to contribute to that part of the conversation. What you’ve been reading is simply the best way I could think of to initiate that conversation. Over the years it’s been expressed often enough — and by plenty of us — that this place is a refuge for folks. I suspect that, for a lot of us, what happens at the WGOM is partially social, and partially (since we're all interacting at a physical remove) partially self-care.

If you feel able to share today, what are you doing for self-care? How do you know when you're doing enough, or the right way? What do you wish you could do, or do differently? Have you been able to model your efforts to attend to your self-care for others who might benefit from seeing you give yourself that attention, whether at home or in your other spheres of life?

Parentgood

From Frustration to Elation, Just That Quick

2 Comments

It's been a long and frustrating journey, but it's not over yet.

Trey has been playing baseball in some form since he was 4 years old. While Junior has had his successes in the sport, Trey has always been more advanced than his brother was at the same age. I'll admit to having some bias as a father, but I try to take pride in remaining as objective as possible when comparing him to his peers, but I always felt he was near the top and his managers generally treated him as one of their best players, having him pitch a lot, playing him in the infield and having him bat near the top of the order.

When Trey was 8, he made the 7-8 all-stars team, which played in a district pitching machine tournament. He earned a starting spot in the infield and batted in the middle of the lineup for a team that lost in the championship game.

When Trey was 9, I managed his team. When he wasn't pitching, he played shortstop and he batted 1st, 2nd or 3rd all season for a Minors Division team that finished 3rd with a winning record. However, he did not make the 9-10 All-Stars. Only two 9 year-olds made All-Stars and they were the best players from the first and second place teams. The rest of the team was comprised of 10 year olds that played in the Majors Division, even if they were players that were subbed in and out and batted at the bottom of the order. This was consistent with the previous year when only one 9-year-old made the team. We were frustrated by this but accepted that his turn would come the next season.

When Trey was 10, he was drafted into a Majors team. However, it was a loaded team with eight 12-year-olds and two 11-year-olds. The team was great and won the league and nearly went undefeated, however, the coach had a rule that 10-year-olds were too young to pitch or play in the infield. We were really frustrated by this because Trey's pitching and infield defense had always been ahead of his hitting. He was a good hitter but pitching and infield defense were his calling card and gave him confidence that he belonged playing with the best.

Trey struggled to hit early in the season and even had a hard time just making contact. It didn't help that he rarely got more than 1 or 2 at-bats a game as he and the other 10-year-old player split playing time. He played well in the corner outfield spots, but with three 12-year-old All-Star pitchers, opportunities for him to show what he could do were few and far between. We were also frustrated to see other 10-year-olds on other teams given opportunities to pitch and play in the infield. Trey's hitting improved as the season went on, but it ultimately wasn't enough as he was once again passed over for All-Stars.

We were devastated, especially since we had been so confident that he would be an All-Star just because he played in the Majors as a 10-year-old. What made it worse was when we realized that not only had they taken three or four 9-year-olds, but they also had taken several 10-year-olds that had played in the Minors, which basically never happened in the past. Basically, they had changed their way of selecting All-Stars from one year to the next and Trey had gotten the short end of the stick both times.

The next year, Trey was coming off his first season of Junior High baseball in the winter and he decided he wanted to try playing Junior High basketball in the spring instead of playing Little League. When he was 12, he and his Junior High baseball team struggled and his head coach encouraged him to play Little League, so he agreed to do that this spring.

Once again, Trey was drafted onto a loaded team. However, Trey's manager gave him plenty of opportunities to show what he could do. He started at least one game at every infield position. Trey primarily paid center field because his coach felt he was the team's best player for that position and Trey made several highlight-reel catches. Trey also got some opportunities to pitch and did well in his 14 innings or work. He also batted anywhere from 2nd to 6th in the order, mostly 2nd or 5th, and batted over .400 and had an on-base percentage of over .500 while playing in every inning for a team that went 22-2.

Saturday was Closing Ceremonies, when they announced All-Star selections. I knew Trey was fully deserving of being an All-Star. However, after the experience 2 years prior, I tried not to get my hopes up or Trey's. And once again, Trey was not announced as an All-Star.

I was fuming. I knew without a doubt that there were not 12 players in that league that were better than Trey. All the teams were lined up on the field when All-Stars were announced. When they came off the field, I reined in my emotions as best I could and told Trey that he really deserved to be an All-Star but that life isn't always fair. And I couldn't help thinking that he was too young to have to learn that the hard way so many times.

That night, I was still fuming. I couldn't let it go. I had a terrible time trying to get too sleep. On Sunday afternoon, Trey's team was having a team pool party. I really had no desire to attend. I really didn't want to hear from parents that Trey should have been an All-Star. Even worse would be them not saying anything. We were bringing a cake to celebrate Trey's birthday next week. If it wasn't for that, I probably would have come up with an excuse not to go with the family to the party.

When we got there, Trey's manager pulled us aside and asked us if we had any plans for the next 9 weeks or so. We said no, not really. Well, he is also the manager of the All-Stars team and one of the players announced the previous night had dropped out and he wanted to add Trey to the team.

YES!!! WHOOOOO!!

After all he had been through, it was such a relief to see him get this well-deserved honor. It was so great to see his teammates and their families get excited when it was announced that Trey was going to be an All-Star. One of the Trey's other coaches came up to us and told us how happy he was they had corrected that "horrible" decision to not include Trey, and that he was a very deserving All-Star. Mrs. SoCal told me that a number of parents told her very similar sentiments.

Of course, now this means we have a crazy busy summer with Tournament of Champions starting in a week for Trey's team finishing in first place. Two weeks after that will be the district All-Star tournament, and if they keep winning tournaments, they will go to the sectional tourney, the SoCal region tourney, the Western Regionals and finally Williamsport. I don't think Newmark Little League has ever gotten anywhere close to Williamsport, but you never know. This morning, Trey had 0 chance of getting there, so we're already ahead of the game.

Parentgood

You’d Look So Much Prettier If You’d Smile: On #MeToo

43 Comments

What have you done today to protect yourself from sexual harassment or assault? What has your wife done? Your mother? Your sister? Your daughter?

Someone you love was sexually abused as a young child. Someone you love wanted to say no and didn't know how. Someone you love believed she was dirty, damaged, worthless because of something that was done to her.

I have had this post on my mind since the Weinstein allegations came to light last fall, but I somehow kept putting off writing it. I don't need to tell you that sexism, harassment, and assault exist. We don't need to talk about any of that as a dynamic of this community (thank goodness), but I want to share a few things from my own life and share some thoughts about raising kids in a world where sexism, harassment, and assault exist.

The summer when I turned 18 was one of my favorite summers. But thank God I'm not 18 anymore. There is a particular vulnerability in being a young woman that brings out the worst in men. They somehow seem to know that you aren't prepared for it, don't know how to respond. That you'll let their comments get to you. My parents have always been loving and supportive, and on the whole, they did a wonderful job of raising me. But they never told me how to handle catcalls, how to brush off men drawn to my youth and naïveté.

Your mother, your wife, or your sister has almost certainly experienced at the very least some type of low-level harassment. Your daughter almost certainly will, if she hasn't already. And while the experience may have been nothing more than a comment from a passing stranger or a brief hand on her back, the shame and disgust she felt afterward likely lasted much longer than the incident itself.

So for those of us who are parents, how do we raise our children in a way that doesn't perpetuate sexist beliefs and behaviors? I don't really know, but somehow I don't think that simply saying to our kids, "everyone's equal, we're all the same, be nice to everyone" is going to do it. Before I had children, I had a lot of ideas about how to raise kickass girls. And then I had two boys.

We've talked before at the WGOM about ways of addressing consent with young kids. Tickling is okay only when the child says it's okay. A child (or an adult) can say they don't want a hug. It's not okay to touch another person in a way they don't want to be touched.

I also try to put into words when my kids touch me in a way I enjoy: "That was nice." "I like when you hug me like that, it makes me feel really loved." It is my hope that this will help them develop their own vocabulary for navigating all manner of physical encounters as they get older.

After the Weinstein stuff came out, I talked a little to the jalapeño (who is 7) about how women haven't always been treated fairly. That they have been paid less for doing the same job as a man, that there have been a lot of jobs they were told they couldn't do at all. His response. "Well, that's really dumb." Sing it, brother! It feels weird to point out inequality, but my gut tells me that he needs to know about this stuff if he's going to play a part in not perpetuating it.

Earlier this year, I had a rather unpleasant experience with a man while I was waiting in line to order a burrito bowl at a large grocery store near my job. There was a creepy comment and a hand on my waist. But lucky for me, I'm no longer that 18-year-old girl who doesn't know what to say. I turned and looked right at that guy and he asked in a slightly sarcastic way, "Is that not okay?" I said, "No. It's never okay to touch someone without permission." And he left. That night after dinner, I told the jalapeño about it (without many specifics). He didn't say anything, but he gave me the kind of hug that makes me feel really loved.

And yet, women talking won't by itself fix everything. That's where I'm hoping all of you come in. Men have to talk with other men about these things. They have to talk to kids about these things. And kids have to see the men in their lives making their way through the world in a way that is respectful toward women. Because nothing is going to get better for anyone unless we're all in this together.

Thanks for reading, guys.

Parentgood

“Age-appropriate behavior” … or something else?

15 Comments

Question: When are fidgeting, spacing-out, silliness, lack of focus, inattention to detail, emotional overreaction to 'change' and hyperactivity "normal" in a child?
Answer: Apparently, it depends on if those things are causing said child to struggle at school, with friends or at home.

Question: If you find it necessary to attempt to address (i.e., "fix") those aforementioned behaviors, and following an in-depth conversation with an "expert", the first thing said expert(s) identify is ADHD, followed by a suggestion of medication, what should you do?
Answer: I. Don't. Know.

This is sensitive, because I'm not really seeking advice, per se, and my wife straight-up told me that she really doesn't want to tell our family about this (though my mother already has some knowledge of it). However, I know we have lots of parents here, with a pretty wide variety of experiences - both professional and personal - who might be willing to talk about what they know, think they know, or otherwise have an opinion on.

I have a child with a lot of intelligence, curiosity and quality interpersonal skills. Great kid - caring, empathetic and friendly. Also, this kid cannot sit still in class, stay on task, pay attention to things that aren't of interest, etc., etc., etc... to the point that two-years worth of teachers have spoken to us about her inability to complete tasks on time, without continuous prompting and repeated reminders. No surprise there, because tasks like getting ready for dinner, bedtime, breakfast, school, play, bath .... all take much longer than they should, and frequent prompting typically results in tears and overreaction (on my/our part as well).

We want to help, and want help, so we sought out expert advice. I trust experts - attorneys, physicians, accountants, mechanics, etc. I look for the 'best' and trust what they tell me. That initial meeting went well, confirming (but not formally diagnosing) what we'd already considered. However, when the inevitable discussion of options to address the concerns led to information about medications, I immediately felt a panic - "No! Not my child! I've seen/heard too many horror stories about [insert whatever 'brand name' stimulant or anti-depressant(!) comes to mind] to be giving that to my child!" That's all the farther we've gone; still working on a formal diagnosis, but I'm feeling conflicted about what comes next.

What do ya got for me?

I mean, c'mon, even the label warns to "Keep Out of Reach of Children" !!!

Parentgood

(Over)Protective Fathers … or, “Other People’s Kids”?

21 Comments

Editor's Note - Copied an LTE of mine from yesterday that got away from me. I started typing a response, and it blew up. Instead of making a standalone FKB post, when I realized it was paragraph(s) long, I went back and added the cop-out "FKB(?) alert..." and hit "Mail Letter to the Editor".

Context: My daughter is very sensitive & emotional ... like, look at her the wrong way (make a face she thinks is mocking or angry) and she's ready to cry; give her a hug and tell her how amazing she is and she's beaming. Lately, she's been concerned (is certain) that other kids don't like her or are laughing at her. It doesn't take much to break her heart.

We were in the hallway at child care and I was checking her and Niblet into the computer system, when a snotty voice from her classroom (adjacent to the keypad, but out of my sightline) mockingly calls out to her, "What are you looking at!?!" as she's standing there next to me. We couldn't have been at the door for more than 10 seconds at that point. She embarrassedly looks down and away - and I damn near lost my shit. I leaned into the doorway and stared this kid down (7-9 years old maybe? - it's a classroom for various school-aged children, before & after school care) and he sort-of nervously grins in surprise at me, then leans back and looks at his buddy and snickers. Says under his breath, but loud enough to hear, "what's he staring at?" I stand there long enough for it to be uncomfortable, and he just kept grinning at me. So ... I walk into the classroom and over to his table. I stop about 6 feet away, with the table and some other students (and a "teacher") between us, I tell him in my dad voice that it's not okay for him to talk to my daughter that way. Tell him that he better not do it again, either in front of me, or when I'm not there. He stops smiling and just holds his half-eaten toast partway to his mouth. I say if I hear about it from her that he treats her that way again, there will be consequences (I did not define what they might be - pretty sure there isn't anything I could actually 'do' about him being a jerk ... at that point I was working hard not to yell or swear at him). Then I had my daughter come into the classroom, and told him to apologize to her. He did. The two "teachers" and the rest of the classmates eating breakfast just sat there. I was so livid, that I just nodded at his apology and Kernel and I walked out to take Niblet down to his room.

On the way back, her lead "teacher" met me in the hallway and asked if this was an issue that she hadn't been aware of. She seemed very concerned about it being bullying or somesuch. I said, "No," but informed her that my kid is sensitive and isn't very good about standing up for herself (quite the opposite, she shrinks and feels bad about herself). So, if there's someone being mean to her who's old enough to know better, and I'm standing right there, I'm going to call them out on it. I said that no more follow up was needed ... I just wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior.

I'm hopeful it isn't an issue, but man, it was not something I was prepared to deal with. I just reacted to the tone of his voice, and his response to my stare only exacerbated things. I guess I was hoping he'd be embarrassed or something ... I don't know.

There were a few immediate responses:

Zee German

In my head I'm seeing that video of the guy who starts knock-out slapping everyone in sight after something happened to his kid.

Might be a good FKB discussion, but if our kids are out there among...people, we best prepare ourselves for the inevitability of these situations. For the record, my son is usually the super-sensitive one who is now recognizing that he's an outsider in middle school. Tough place to be. He's an easy target for someone who wants to provoke a little entertainment. Still not sure how we handle it.

zooomx.2

Good for you. I know it's easy as a parent to not engage in these situations as we think we may embarrass our kids. I had 2 situations like you describe. One, a kid in the hockey locker room was making fun of my quiet /introverted son. I did get in his face about it not being the way to treat a teammate. I then went to the Dad and explained what happened and described how I handled it. 9 years later the Dads and the boys are good friends. A couple years after that incident a neighbor boy, bullied my son on the bus. We are good friends with his parents, and he is a year older than my son. I called their house and the boy in question answered. I told him that I heard about the bullying incident, and that I was greatly disappointed. I told him that I was giving him one "pass" when it comes to bullying. I told him I would not tell his Dad this time, but the next time he would not be happy with the ramifications. Never had another issue since. Families are great friends. My son was actually proud that I stood up for him both times, which surprised me. Shorty after these 2 incidents, he had a couple situations where he totally stood up and had his own "Christmas Story/Ralphie" moments. Both times, he intervened when a friend or teammate was bullied and fixed the problem. Proud papa moments. I once had a supervisor that told me that as managers, we had to approach conflict like firemen. Rush into the fire and put it out. Don't stand across the street and hope it rains.

Update - No blowback at the school this morning, but Kernel did say the boy had repeated his "What are you looking at!?!" on the bus and indicated both that he is kind of a jerk (her word!) and that she'd told the bus driver. My initial thought was basically, "Well, I can't be with her 100% of the time, so good for her for doing what I'd recommended - tell an adult." On the other hand, we've been noticing a lot more lying from her lately, about really stupid (& easily verifiable) stuff; lies for reasons that make sense to her ... because she's 6. My second reaction was, "Did he really? Or, did she see how angry I was with him and liked knowing [seeing] how much I cared?" or something like that.